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Why Is My Son Talking To A Therapist About His Divorce Instead Of Letting Me Tell Him How I Got Through My Breakup With His Mom, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Why Is My Son Talking To A Therapist About His Divorce Instead Of Letting Me Tell Him How I Got Through My Breakup With His Mom?
I was deeply hurt yesterday when my son told me outright how he trusts his therapist more than he trusts me to understand and help him through the breakup of his marriage.
The circumstances of his divorce and mine from my first wife are just about identical, so I more than understand what he is going through.
When his mom left me, I doubted I would be able to pull myself together, and I see that same kind of thinking in my son. But he thinks just because I remarried (not until he was in college!) that I have no idea what kind of pain he is feeling.
He and I always used to talk about everything in the past. Six months ago he didn’t even know this therapist. I don’t doubt she is good at what she does, but I am beginning to believe she is the one convincing my son she knows better than his own father.
Whether that is the case or not, she cannot possibly know him better than me, and if he just let me tell him about the ways I found to cope and move forward, he would not only save time and money but he would also get practical life advice from someone who lived through how he feels now.
Father may not know best, but he knows a lot. Why not take advantage of me?
Susan Writer advises the letter writer to set aside his feelings of being slighted. “It’s difficult for a parent to see their child struggling, but right now your son is doing what he believes will help him the most,” she writes. “That doesn’t mean he might not turn to you in the future for your advice.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Pursue A Relationship With My Much Younger Colleague, Who Responds To My Texts Slowly Or Not At All?
Recently I’ve become smitten with a much younger woman. I’m in my late 40s and she’s in her late 20s. We met her through a recreational sports league and discovered that we also work for the same company — in different departments.
We’ve met for coffee as well as lunch several times on days we’re both working in the office. We’ve also socialized with others in our sports league after our respective games. I love how inquisitive, attentive, and empathic she is when we spend in-person, especially one-on-one time together. Part of me absolutely wants to spend more time together outside of work and sports to see if there’s more to this.
The challenge with trying to build our friendship as well as something potentially more is that she’s quite introverted and I’m very extroverted. I like and want constant banter (i.e. texts, chats, etc.) from someone who I have that connection with. With her, I feel I’m almost always initiating the digital conversations and sometimes get frustrated/impatient because she’s often slow to respond, or doesn’t respond without me following up with her on something.
She also doesn’t seem to show her personality as much through digital banter as much as when we spend 1-1 time in person (which is not enough). She’s very low-maintenance (it’s also evident in her presentation/appearance) and I think I’ve been wired for high-maintenance based on what I’ve experienced in past relationships. I think about her constantly, but am conflicted over whether I want to pursue this further despite the age difference.
Meredith Goldstein suggests asking the woman out on a date. “You’re trying to figure out if you could be in a successful relationship with her based on the minimal digital banter, but you don’t even know if she’s open to more than friendship,” she writes. “If she says no, that’s an answer — and you can assure her it’s no big deal.” Read the rest of her answer.
Could I Get Fired For Responding To My Colleagues’ Questions About My Life Outside Of Work With Cryptic Answers?
I just started a new job, and my coworkers are trying to get to know me. One of them asked me, “Are you in a relationship or married?” I don’t see what that has to do with work so I said, “Sometimes.”
Another coworker brought her kid to work. She had to tell her child, “Please stay still, you can’t just run around.” She turned to me and said, “Ahh, kids, ya know? You don’t have any kids, do you?” I said, “I might have kids” She gave me a funny look and said, “You might?” I said, “Maybe, who knows?” Could I get fired for this? How do I fix it?
Alison Green observes that this is a weird way to react to normal questions. “You don’t need to get deeply personal with coworkers if you don’t want to, but sharing some basic facts about your life is usually a prerequisite for having warm working relationships with people,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Continue My Long-Distance Relationship With Someone I’ve Never Met In Person And Talk To Twice A Week?
I've been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half. While it's been good for the most part, I feel like it might be time to call it quits. We video chat twice a week and text maybe twice a day, but it's not enough for me anymore. I brought this up early in our relationship, but she told me that's all the time she could give. I understand she has a demanding job that requires her attention four days a week, but even on her days off, she rarely texts me outside of our video chats. It wouldn't be such a problem if our video chats lasted more than two hours, but they don't, and I'm growing increasingly frustrated.
I work, too, but I would love for us to text more often or, at the very least, have a third video chat every once in a while. What frustrates me most is that even though we've been together for a year and a half, we still haven't met in person. I told her from the start that if this relationship was going to be real, we'd need to meet within a year or consider breaking up. She initially agreed, but when I brought it up again last January and February, it led to a big fight, and she didn't speak to me for a week. We reconciled, and I promised not to bring it up again until she was ready to talk about it. I've kept my word, but it's frustrating that we're approaching two years together, and she still hasn't initiated a conversation about meeting.
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in this relationship. I don't want to end things because I care for her deeply and wonder if I'm overreacting. But lately, the thought of breaking up has been crossing my mind more often. She tells me she loves me, and I believe her, but our relationship isn't making me happy anymore. I don't want to continue dating someone I only see twice a week for an hour-long video call, or who hasn't made any plans to meet in person after almost two years.
When I've asked her what's holding her back from meeting, she's never given me a clear answer. I'm left questioning whether I'm being unreasonable or if my feelings are valid.
Annie Lane validates the letter writer’s feelings of frustration. “A relationship where you can't meet in person isn't fulfilling, and you deserve more,” she writes. “It's time to call it quits and find someone who can truly be present in your life.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Mother-In-Law, Who Suffers From Anxiety And Just Got A Scary Diagnosis, To Be Positive?
My mother-in-law, 71, has always suffered from severe anxiety and hasn’t honestly admitted this to herself. She now has a serious health diagnosis where she’ll be undergoing treatments and facing scary diagnostic tests for at least the next few years.
We’re struggling with how to support her because she usually is extremely negative and assumes the worst. She gets irrationally upset when I try to be positive. I’m especially worried because I know positivity has proven medical benefits.
Carolyn Hax encourages the letter writer to respond to their mother-in-law with warmth instead of positivity. “Just listen to her and, when there’s a gap where you’d normally jump in with something positive, reflect back to her what she’s saying,” she writes. “Or ask. Or make sympathetic noises.” Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Justified In Feeling Gravely Insulted Because My Sister-In-Law Told Me She Liked My ‘Real Voice’?
In my younger days, I was an opera singer. Like most trained singers, I found the lack of significant success extraordinarily painful, but that’s the reality in the field. I wasn’t the greatest singer, but I certainly moved audiences and earned the respect of my colleagues.
Recently, I was playing guitar and singing a cute little country ditty that required no vocal skill. My sister-in-law, who was listening, exclaimed, “That was so beautiful. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard your real voice.” She’s been hearing me sing for 40 years. I couldn’t believe she could say something so awful to me. It makes me think she has great hostility toward me, something I never would have dreamed of before. It hurts so much.
Afterward, my husband said she was just telling me that she never liked my voice, and he couldn’t see any reason why she would say such a thing, except to hurt me. I think he is exactly right, and my daughter agreed.
The professional disrespect is amazing to me. She is a clarinetist … It’s as if I’d said, after hearing her play kazoo, that that was the first time I’d heard her real musicianship. The insult is staggering. Do you think there is any other way to interpret her remark?
James Parker opines that there is indeed another way to interpret the sister-in-law’s remark. “You will know, of course, that opera, and the operatic singing style, is not to everyone’s taste,” he writes. “The easy-breathing simplicity of your country singing surprised her, moved her.” Read the rest of his answer.
