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Is It Reasonable For My Colleagues To Expect Me To Avoid Rolling My Eyes At Them, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Is It Reasonable For My Colleagues To Expect Me To Avoid Rolling My Eyes At Them?
My workplace rarely fires people for performance issues, and it’s led to us retaining a few people who everyone agrees have performance issues but where no action is taken. I have a few colleagues who I’ve given regular, repeated feedback to about basic things like not completing the scope of a project they outlined they would complete or not understanding a topic that they work on regularly. The first time I give someone feedback, I always give them the benefit of the doubt that it may be a one-off. But there are now a couple (of the dozens of colleagues I work with) where I don’t have hope that their performance gaps are coachable. They are both below me in rank, but don’t report to me.
I always keep my words factual, but I’ve now started to receive feedback that I should avoid negative body language, such as eye rolling. Is it reasonable to expect someone to control unconscious body language even if everyone agrees that the negative body language is in reaction to unacceptable performance, not anything personal?
It feels like these employees’ performance issues have now become my problem. Would a man be expected to always be extra “nice”?
Alison Green informs the letter writer that rolling one’s eyes at people is rude. “This isn’t about being ‘extra nice’” she writes; “it’s about not showing open contempt while speaking to a colleague, and that’s a reasonable (and very normal) expectation of both men and women.” Read the rest of her answer.
Is My Coworker Right That My Marriage Is A Sham If I Don’t Tell My Husband She Wants To Sleep With Him?
I have this co-worker, “Vanessa,” who’s always had a weirdly competitive attitude towards me. I have no idea why, unless she resents that I’m at least as skilled and valued an employee as she is, despite not being skinny or “hot.” Our company’s summer picnic was our first in-person family party since pre-COVID, and Vanessa met my husband for the first time. Since then, she has not shut up about how cute he is and the things she’d like to do to him. I suspect this is partly if not solely to screw with me, since my husband does not seem like Vanessa’s usual type. I would go to HR, except our HR manager is a close friend of Vanessa’s, so I’m afraid that might impact me worse than her.
Vanessa and her long-term boyfriend are in an open relationship, a fact she is extremely candid about. She wants me to tell my husband that she’d like to have a threesome with him and one of her hot, younger girlfriends. She swears this would just be a one-time thing and completely consensual and aboveboard. If I won’t tell him, she wants me to give her his cell number so she can get in touch with him herself. She keeps repeating that if I won’t at least let her put the offer to him, it means I don’t trust him and my marriage is a sham.
Prudie, my husband and I have been married 13 years, we have three kids under 10, we love each other to death, we’re monogamous and have always been faithful … but I can’t be 1000 percent sure he’d say no to a one-time threesome with two gorgeous women if I left it completely up to him. Is there any merit at all to Vanessa’s assertions that this means we’re better off divorced? What should I do?
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris advises the letter writer to tell Vanessa that her comments are inappropriate. “The fact that you’re even considering this absolutely unhinged bully’s view of your marriage is evidence that this situation is way out of control, and you need a reset,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Did I Overreact When My Brother-In-Law Made A Sex Joke About My Toddler?
My brother-in-law is crude, sexist, misogynistic and proud of it. He’s always yelling at his sisters and sisters-in-law at holiday parties to go make him a sandwich, get him a beer, shut up, etc., and thinks it’s hilarious. When I was pregnant, he made inappropriate remarks about my breasts and baby bump until my husband finally shut that down, but then he’d complain about my husband being a simp.
My parents-in-law just had the whole family over. My daughter was enjoying an ice pop, and my brother-in-law said loudly: “Good practice. You are going to be so popular with the boys.”
Is it overreacting that I was completely repulsed and disgusted? I removed her from the room and told my brother-in-law to stay away from her. I told my husband that his brother shouldn’t be allowed near her ever again.
My in-laws say it was a harmless joke that my daughter didn’t even understand, and it was me who caused a scene. I’m not sure if I’m biased because I already dislike the man so much, but who would ever say or even think something like that about a toddler?!
Carolyn Hax sides emphatically with the letter writer. “If adding my disgust to the pile is of any use, then you have it, and you’re not overreacting,” she writes. “Where his mind went is disturbing, and his refusal to filter is worse.” Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do About My Brother’s Habit Of Forcing My Friends To Listen To His Opinions And Calling Them Idiots If They Disagree?
I have an older brother whom I love dearly. Unfortunately, he has become increasingly boorish at holiday get-togethers. He is super smart, with very strong opinions and ideas that he forces people to listen to ad nauseam. If you disagree with any of his views, you are an idiot. He has alienated several guests who no longer care to be invited to my home. Not inviting him is not an option. With the holidays fast approaching, I feel I should discuss this situation with him, but the thought makes my stomach turn. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Robin Abrahams encourages the letter writer to ask their brother to change his behavior — and to be prepared to tell him to leave if he doesn’t. “If he were going to behave courteously out of respect for your feelings, or a brotherly protective instinct, surely this super-smart man would have done so already,” she writes. “You either let him know that he’ll get one warning and then be asked to leave, or steel yourself for another year of the same.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Teenage Son To Start Combing His Hair, So I Don’t Have To Do It For Him?
My teenager has long hair that tangles easily. He wants to keep it long, but he’s also a teenage boy.
He is just not the best at caring for it. He washes it daily but often doesn’t fully comb it out because he’s in a rush in the morning. Every few weeks, it gets so tangled that I insist on combing it out for him. I just spent 45 minutes combing out the tangles and had to cut a few pieces out, they were so matted. Obviously, this was no fun for either of us. He swears he will take care of it himself, but I have yet to find a combination of products that makes this process easier for him. Is there some magic conditioner or detangling product that I can give him to make combing less of a chore and less time-consuming for him? He doesn’t want me combing his hair, and I sure don’t want to be combing his hair. He doesn’t want to cut it, and I don’t want to make him cut it.
[Slate]
Michelle Herman directs the letter writer to stop combing their son’s hair for him. “Either he’ll start caring for it himself, or he’ll let it stay tangled and eventually end up with a matted nest — or he’ll hate how it looks and feels and announce that he wants to cut it after all (or he’ll just take scissors to it himself),” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
What Does My Son Mean When He Says ‘Gyat,’ ‘Skibidi’ And ‘Sigma’?
My son has recently started using some slang terms that have me scratching my head — namely “gyat,” “skibidi,” and “sigma.”
As a parent, I want to stay connected and understand the language of his world, but I feel a bit lost in translation. It seems like these words pop up in every conversation, and I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on an inside joke.
I want to be the cool parent (or at least not the completely clueless one), so I’d love your insight into what these terms mean and how they’re used. Any guidance you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Understanding these phrases could not only help me connect with my son but also save me from some potentially awkward conversations in the future.
R. Eric Thomas offers the letter writer definitions of the slang terms mentioned in the letter. “[W]hen it comes to vernacular, googling is never going to be your best option, because this is in-community communication,” he writes. “It’s important for teens to have their own way of communicating as they explore the world and develop taste.” Read the rest of his answer.
