good question
How Can I Get My Son To Understand How Much He Hurt Me By Not Putting The Furniture I Bought Him Exactly Where I Wanted It, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Son To Understand How Much He Hurt Me By Not Putting The Furniture I Bought Him Exactly Where I Wanted It?
I’m writing to you regarding my current relationship with my son and his wife. My husband and I exclusively have reclining furniture, as it helps us with various foot and ankle problems we have. I had been steadily hinting to my son for a year that they should get a recliner for their living room, because I know we would be much more comfortable with one present. They had purchased new living room furniture two years ago, and even though they have multiple ottomans, we were not comfortable. Eventually, I offered to purchase reclining furniture for them because a relative offered their employee discount through a chain furniture store. I told them to pick something out, and my son chose two reclining loveseats. I spent more than I wanted, but I figured the furniture could be an early Christmas present. The day before we were to drop it off, my husband told me that my son said the loveseats would be going in their basement, not their living room. I had assumed they would put their current living room furniture in the basement and the new furniture in their living room.
I was livid. I called them liars, cheats, and thieves, and told them they clearly don’t care about our comfort. I said I felt swindled and could not believe how ungrateful and insincere they were. They ceased contact for a month and sent back a gift I sent them in the interim. It broke my heart to realize how much hate they have in their hearts for me. When my son asked us to not send him any “angry” messages over the holidays, I decided to give him what he wanted and cut contact. I did not respond when he told us he loved us and wished us a merry Christmas. My son’s wife is estranged from her mother, and I always feared she would encourage the same for my son. How can I help him understand how much he has hurt me and move forward from here?
Nicole Chung advises the letter writer to apologize for overreacting. “Instead of trying to have an actual, functional conversation, you leapt straight to accusations and name-calling,” she writes. “Do you really think that was the best way to get what you wanted?” Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Wrong To Estrange Myself From My Sister-In-Law After She Told An Unnecessary, Self-Serving Lie That Risked My Career?
I’m a lawyer. My sister-in-law recently called to ask if I had any advice on how she could get out of jury duty. I understand serving on a jury can be a pain, but it is important. And if you have a legitimate reason (health issues, childcare issues, even a fully booked vacation) you are usually either excused or can have your service postponed. My sister-in-law doesn’t have these issues, she just doesn’t want to serve! I told her she should serve (especially because she often talks about the lack of social justice in the country) but in any event not to lie to get out of it. If you have an issue, tell the truth and they will work with you.
Well, I later found out she lied! And used me as the excuse!
She said she was working in my office three days per week so knew all of the lawyers. Which is 100 percent not true. She’s never done any work for me whatsoever, and I don’t think she’s ever stepped foot in my office. I found out when one of the court clerks mentioned that she heard I’d hired a new assistant and she looked forward to meeting her. I did not immediately put this together, and said I did not have a new assistant. Not that I would have covered for her anyways. The clerk told the judge, who was not happy. It’s a judge I see often (this is not a big city) so I had to tell the judge that I had no idea what my sister-in-law was talking about and that I had nothing to do with it because I need to protect my professional reputation.
The judge had the clerks mail my sister-in-law a letter threatening to hold her in contempt if she did not show up on the next date for jury duty. And ironically, it’s a week she actually is planning to be away on vacation. Now my sister-in-law is ballistically angry at me. And my brother is mad that I got her in trouble with the court and they can’t go on vacation. I’m mad that she risked my career to avoid spending two days on a jury. My parents are elderly and are upset that we refuse to spend any time together. To me, this is unbridgeable. I’m done with her, and if that means that my brother and his kids are out the door, too, fine. Am I drawing too hard a line? She could have ruined my entire career if the judge held this against me!
Delia Cai urges the letter writer to take some time before committing to estrangement but validates the letter writer’s anger. “You did not ‘get her in trouble,’ to put it in the rather juvenile terms your brother seems to be interpreting this whole situation,” she writes. “She got herself in trouble.” Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After My Parents Told Me To Be Grateful For Plane Tickets They booked For Me Under The Wrong Name?
I kept my birth name when I got married 10 years ago. However, my parents insist on calling me “Mrs. Husband’s Last Name.”
They’ve used a variety of excuses — they were being polite to my husband (who, luckily, doesn’t appreciate their gesture), or they were keeping things simple for the mail carrier. They’ve even insisted that I am still “thinking” about changing my name and that they will use this in the interim.
This has gotten tricky when it has legal/financial consequences. They generously booked a trip for the extended family through their travel agent, but the name they booked doesn’t match any of my travel documents. I got mad at them, and they said I need to “just say thank you” and called me ungrateful.
What is the correct response that doesn’t leave me waving to them from the other side of the TSA line?
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin counsel the letter writer to let her parents’ mistake go when the stakes are low. “If you could please use my legal name on any official documents, that would save us all a lot of confusion and paperwork,” they suggest telling the parents. Read the rest of their answer.
Should I Let My Ex, Who Left Me 20 Years Ago To Raise Our 5 Children Alone, Move In With Me?
My ex-partner and the father of all five of our grown children recently broke up with his longtime girlfriend. This is a woman he began dating around 20 years ago when he decided to leave me to raise our children alone. While he didn’t fully abandon our children, he did betray us, and I was left to explain why. He is now abruptly single and in need of a place to stay. He has asked me if he can stay in one of the spare bedrooms of my home, which was once our home — the home he left. While we have built up a friendship in recent years, I cannot help but feel reminded of how he left us, and left me alone to raise our five children. Should I help him?
Harriette Cole observes that letting the ex move in, even for a short time period, is risky. “Yes, he is in immediate need of a roof over his head, but that is not your problem,” she writes. “Without intending to reject him at this vulnerable moment, you need to protect your heart and the soul of your family.” Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Wrong To Consider Breaking Up With My Boyfriend Because He Lends My Things To Other People Without Asking Me?
I’m thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend because of his tendency to loan things to other people. We’ve been together for almost a year and, up until recently, I thought he was my forever person. But he forgets who he loans his stuff to and some of the people he loans things to aren’t very careful with their things. I like to cook and I started bringing some of my older kitchen items to my boyfriend’s apartment. I knew that my boyfriend had a tendency to give stuff away so when I brought the kitchen stuff over, I made sure to tell him that I was bringing them over for us to use, but not for him to keep.
Over the past few months, when I’ve tried to make different recipes, I’ve found that every single one of the small appliances I had brought to my boyfriend’s place was gone. When asked, he said he didn’t remember who he’d lent them to. We went to his brother’s for Thanksgiving and I saw my old air fryer. I noticed it was mine because it has a specific dent from dropping a heavy dish on it. I found out the brother’s wife had asked to borrow it and my boyfriend told her just to keep it because I hadn’t been using it (I had used it just the month before). I also found out that my boyfriend’s sister-in-law needed the air fryer because she broke hers and then broke mine too. Since then, I’ve started asking him and his friends about items he’s lent out. Apparently, he lends out hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars worth of items each year.
One of his friends let it slip that she thinks some of his family and friends basically use his generosity, and his forgetfulness, to get new stuff. I talked to my boyfriend about that and he said he cared more about the people around him than “a bunch of stuff.” I know it’s just stuff, but neither he nor I make a lot of money. I’m starting to think this relationship is too financially risky. I don’t want to give hundreds or thousands of dollars a year to people who are willing to take advantage of someone they care about. I also just don’t want to continuously come home to find important things given away just because a family member came over and liked it. I told one of my friends how I was feeling and she thought I was being a little over dramatic. She said that everybody has money issues and I’d be losing an otherwise great guy. What do you think?
Ilyce Glink encourages the letter writer to try one more conversation with the boyfriend before calling it quits. “It’s not OK for him to have given away all of your appliances,” she writes. “He doesn’t get to decide unilaterally if something is being used or not.” Read the rest of her answer.
Will My Son Be The First Man In History To Take His Wife’s Surname?
Our son, "Caleb," and his fiancee, "Lucy," are getting married next year. He is 26, and she is 24. Our last name is unusual and sounds like a dirty word when mispronounced, which it often is. After "a lot of thought," Caleb has decided to legally take Lucy's surname after their wedding. (She and her family are on board.) He was not asking his father's or my permission, but informing us of his plans.
Caleb is our only son. We also have a daughter. I support my son's decision, but his father does not. They no longer speak. My husband is also upset about future grandchildren carrying on a different family name. Abby, do you know of any men who have taken their wives' surnames?
Abigail Van Buren points out that this decision is up to the letter writer’s son, not the letter writer’s husband. “Changing one's name for the reason your son stated may be unusual, but it isn't unheard of,” she writes. “Some couples decide to blend their names, as one former mayor of Los Angeles did.” Read the rest of her answer.
