The King’s English
April 1, 2025 12:14 AM Subscribe
Following the Executive Order of 1 March, President Trump announced today that the English language is to be officially renamed “American”.
“America is a very popular country,” the President said, “when people understand that this is our language, I think you’re going to find a lot more of them are going to want to speak it. A lot.”
Vice-President Vance added “The USA is where the vast majority of American speakers live. For two hundred years, all the advances and improvements in the language have been made by us. With our movies, music and comic books we have spread it to every country in the world. Yet we have continued to let all the credit go to England. Have these people ever even said thankyou?”
British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said he “completely understood” the President’s thinking. He emphasised that Britain had a unique advantage through its special relationship with the US and because a majority of the British population already speaks “the language of America”.
In Ottawa Mark Carney said Canadians would retain the option of ignoring Mr Trump in either English or French.
Vice-President Vance added “The USA is where the vast majority of American speakers live. For two hundred years, all the advances and improvements in the language have been made by us. With our movies, music and comic books we have spread it to every country in the world. Yet we have continued to let all the credit go to England. Have these people ever even said thankyou?”
British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said he “completely understood” the President’s thinking. He emphasised that Britain had a unique advantage through its special relationship with the US and because a majority of the British population already speaks “the language of America”.
In Ottawa Mark Carney said Canadians would retain the option of ignoring Mr Trump in either English or French.
"Looky at this!---The language of a foreign power!"
"That's English, Albert---our native tongue!"
"Aha! You is tryin' to confuse a honest citizen! Englishmens is foreigners, isn't they? Is you a spy? ... Isn't you ashamed, sayin' English is the native language of our own Uninety States?"
posted by rory at 12:51 AM on April 1 [7 favorites]
"That's English, Albert---our native tongue!"
"Aha! You is tryin' to confuse a honest citizen! Englishmens is foreigners, isn't they? Is you a spy? ... Isn't you ashamed, sayin' English is the native language of our own Uninety States?"
posted by rory at 12:51 AM on April 1 [7 favorites]
“… and then I looked at the date.”
posted by aldus_manutius at 1:10 AM on April 1 [5 favorites]
posted by aldus_manutius at 1:10 AM on April 1 [5 favorites]
Yah, this legit got me. Well done :)
posted by Alex404 at 1:44 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]
posted by Alex404 at 1:44 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]
It's America Fools Day!
posted by flabdablet at 1:59 AM on April 1 [6 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 1:59 AM on April 1 [6 favorites]
Well done phanx. You got me for the space of a guffaw! Would have been just as funny on any other day!
posted by glasseyes at 2:56 AM on April 1
posted by glasseyes at 2:56 AM on April 1
Flagged as entirely and sadly too plausible.
posted by mollweide at 3:46 AM on April 1 [25 favorites]
posted by mollweide at 3:46 AM on April 1 [25 favorites]
April 2nd ("Liberation Day") isn't over yet. Just sayin'.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 3:47 AM on April 1
posted by ZenMasterThis at 3:47 AM on April 1
Yeah, got me. Perhaps we could rename April 1 as Trump Day.
posted by epo at 4:12 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
posted by epo at 4:12 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
It's Tuesday. Something horrible must have happened in Washington.
It was a joke?
Day ain't over yet.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 4:39 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
It was a joke?
Day ain't over yet.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 4:39 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
Ok, you got me. By which I mean, you got me to yell at my phone after I'd been awake only ten minutes.
Maybe I'm experiencing acute sense of humour failure but I really could do without this. April Fools isn't funny anymore. I'm not sure it ever was.
posted by Acey at 4:54 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]
Maybe I'm experiencing acute sense of humour failure but I really could do without this. April Fools isn't funny anymore. I'm not sure it ever was.
posted by Acey at 4:54 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]
Having just watched a TikTok making fun of the assumption that “American accent” meant United States of America accent, I was thinking it was legit
posted by funkaspuck at 5:02 AM on April 1
posted by funkaspuck at 5:02 AM on April 1
April Fools jokes need to either stop happening until that fucking guy is in the ground, or get a lot less plausible, because I was 100% ready to believe this.
posted by ngaiotonga at 5:22 AM on April 1 [11 favorites]
posted by ngaiotonga at 5:22 AM on April 1 [11 favorites]
You will never convince me that anyone who supports this guy isn't an idiot.
But this time I'm the idiot for believing this post for more than 15 seconds.
posted by Catblack at 5:36 AM on April 1
But this time I'm the idiot for believing this post for more than 15 seconds.
posted by Catblack at 5:36 AM on April 1
from Ambrosia and Small Beer, by Edward Marsh:
Dialogue between an M.O. and a recruit:
M.O.: How are your bowels working?
Rec: Haven't been issued with any, sir.
M.O.: I mean, are you constipated?
Rec: No sir, I volunteered.
M.O.: Heavens man, don't you know the King's English?
Rec: No sir, is he?
posted by BobTheScientist at 5:51 AM on April 1 [6 favorites]
Dialogue between an M.O. and a recruit:
M.O.: How are your bowels working?
Rec: Haven't been issued with any, sir.
M.O.: I mean, are you constipated?
Rec: No sir, I volunteered.
M.O.: Heavens man, don't you know the King's English?
Rec: No sir, is he?
posted by BobTheScientist at 5:51 AM on April 1 [6 favorites]
What does Socky think of this?
posted by TedW at 6:02 AM on April 1 [6 favorites]
posted by TedW at 6:02 AM on April 1 [6 favorites]
Donald Trump killed April Fool's Day because no matter what ridiculous unbelievable thing you may think of for him to do, he has already actually done something worse in reality.
posted by dannyboybell at 6:14 AM on April 1 [12 favorites]
posted by dannyboybell at 6:14 AM on April 1 [12 favorites]
"the wild man’s land; grassless, linksless, languageless country in which letters are written
not in Spanish, not in Greek, not in Latin, not in shorthand,
but in plain American which cats and dogs can read! "
-- marianne moore - england
posted by pyramid termite at 6:14 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]
not in Spanish, not in Greek, not in Latin, not in shorthand,
but in plain American which cats and dogs can read! "
-- marianne moore - england
posted by pyramid termite at 6:14 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]
> You will never convince me that anyone who supports this guy isn't an idiot.
You will never convince me that anyone who supports this guy isn't a fascist.
FTFY
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 6:15 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
You will never convince me that anyone who supports this guy isn't a fascist.
FTFY
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 6:15 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
I was getting ready to never speak English/American EVER AGAIN!
posted by toodleydoodley at 6:19 AM on April 1
posted by toodleydoodley at 6:19 AM on April 1
This had me for a minute. Even Starmer's capitulation rang true.
posted by Dalekdad at 6:51 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]
posted by Dalekdad at 6:51 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]
Still not as ridiculous as most of the things he's actually done.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:54 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]
posted by Paul Slade at 6:54 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]
What does Socky think of this?
Apparently it's bad news for John McCain.
posted by nickmark at 7:09 AM on April 1
Apparently it's bad news for John McCain.
posted by nickmark at 7:09 AM on April 1
Too easy of a target. Did enjoy the Mark Carney bit, though.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:56 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
posted by jacquilynne at 7:56 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
do we have more information on Socky? I'm curious who came up with the idea, the individual comments, etc.
nice little prank, for sure.
posted by ginger.beef at 7:58 AM on April 1
nice little prank, for sure.
posted by ginger.beef at 7:58 AM on April 1
Literally anything awful today is probably real, so....
I'm debating whether or not to do an April Fool's post or just post the link I found debunking things here, out of sheer laziness.
On a related note, we have a sock puppet...thing....around here now?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:02 AM on April 1
I'm debating whether or not to do an April Fool's post or just post the link I found debunking things here, out of sheer laziness.
On a related note, we have a sock puppet...thing....around here now?
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:02 AM on April 1
jenfullmoon, the lack of reverence in your tone simply will not do
posted by ginger.beef at 8:23 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
posted by ginger.beef at 8:23 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
What is with the "thank you" shit? Is JD Vance the "thank you" VP?
Fucking hate everything 😤
(Including joke posts. I will now ignore this website today! Is that the goal, to scare people off? It's working)
posted by tiny frying pan at 8:34 AM on April 1
Fucking hate everything 😤
(Including joke posts. I will now ignore this website today! Is that the goal, to scare people off? It's working)
posted by tiny frying pan at 8:34 AM on April 1
This was a lot less funny posted at 11:15 PM local time on March 31.
posted by leahwrenn at 8:39 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]
posted by leahwrenn at 8:39 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]
100% believable unfortunately… needs to be more extreme to read as parody.
posted by caviar2d2 at 8:40 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
posted by caviar2d2 at 8:40 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
Socky: "It looks like you're trying to have a president, can I help you with that?"
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 8:51 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 8:51 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]
(Including joke posts. I will now ignore this website today! Is that the goal, to scare people off? It's working)
this was the most tiny frying pan thing I've ever seen
posted by ginger.beef at 8:54 AM on April 1
this was the most tiny frying pan thing I've ever seen
posted by ginger.beef at 8:54 AM on April 1
I legitimately don’t know what’s satire anymore.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:33 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:33 AM on April 1 [4 favorites]
Barely related but this reminds me of an old Emo Philips joke:
“I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.”
So what would the caveats be for "I'm learning American. It's like English, but with..."
posted by furiouscupcake at 10:45 AM on April 1
“I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.”
So what would the caveats be for "I'm learning American. It's like English, but with..."
posted by furiouscupcake at 10:45 AM on April 1
"Ah'm larnin' 'Merican. It laik 'Nglish, 'cept more 'postrophes."
posted by SPrintF at 11:57 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
posted by SPrintF at 11:57 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]
You got me, although I was very surprised at the (fake) Starmer quote.
posted by Rykey at 12:06 PM on April 1
posted by Rykey at 12:06 PM on April 1
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And speaking of ideas, can we have a 25% tariff on bad ones, please?
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 12:36 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]