Sex is a fundamental part of the human condition, so we tend to spend a lot of time thinking and talking about it, from a young to old age. Unfortunately, there are some exceedingly popular misconceptions about the topic that we tend to pick up in our youth, and keep those falsehoods rattling around in our heads for the rest of our lives.
How do we fix the problem? We can start by consulting people who actually know what they're talking about. Previously, we've gotten expert tips on avoiding bad sex, starting an open relationship and improving our oral skills, so we decided to reach out to some sex-perts, who you can learn about more below, to help debunk some of the most common modern myths regarding human sexuality.
Below, you'll find ten misunderstandings that need some serious clarity. And even if you previously bought into some of these myths, there's no need to feel bad. We can learn together.
Note: These answers have been edited for length and clarity.
Myth: Sex equals penetration
Dr. Tara:
Absolutely wrong and heteronormative. Some people enjoy other types of orgasms that don't include penetration. Penetration is one of the many sexual acts that people do, not the end goal.
Leanne Yau:
A lot of people think that sex means penetration, and don't include other acts such as foreplay in that, and it also invalidates sex between women, which doesn't necessarily have to involve penetration but is still sex.
Foreplay is part of the sexual experience — it makes the whole experience more pleasurable. It's necessary for everyone's pleasure.
Myth: Men want sex more than women do
Dr. Sadaf:
This myth is rooted in outdated gender stereotypes. Research shows that both men and women experience varying levels of sexual desire, and it is not strictly tied to gender.
Stress, relationship quality, mental health, medications and individual personality influence desire more than gender.
It's important to recognize that desire fluctuates for everyone, and labeling it as a "gendered" experience oversimplifies the complexities of human sexuality.
Leanne Yau:
Historically, I would say that men have had much more license than women to be sexual. Women's sexuality has historically been erased, discouraged, controlled or oppressed.
I think we are entering an era where women feel much more able to express their sexuality more freely. But, obviously, because of all of these like gender stereotypes and gender expectations, they may struggle with that a bit more which has kind of perpetuated this myth that men are more sexual than women. This is not the case.
[Image: Mark Stebnicki]
Myth: Penis size matters a lot
Dr. Sadaf:
Studies show that sexual satisfaction is not predominantly determined by the size of genitalia but rather by emotional connection, communication and mutual understanding between partners.
Factors such as foreplay, attentiveness and how partners interact emotionally often contribute more to sexual pleasure than physical attributes like size.
Myth: Too much talking ruins the spontaneity of sex
Dr. Tara:
Research shows sexual communication is one of the most important factors contributing to long-term sexual satisfaction. If you're not having conversations about sex, you're probably not having the best sex life you could have. Talk about your preferences, likes, dislikes, expectations, goals, exploration, etc.
Myth: Painful sex is normal for women — especially the first time
Leanne Yau:
A lot of women are taught that their first time should hurt. You know, there's a lot of [discussion] around the hymen, and that isn't necessarily the case. Often, sex hurts if you aren't prepared enough or you're nervous. But it doesn't have to hurt.
There's also a condition called vaginismus, which means that your pelvic muscles struggle to relax, and [that] should be checked out.
Men can, of course, experience painful sex as well, but I think this is mainly a myth that's focused on women — especially because women are typically taught to be a more passive party in the bedroom. And so, if they're experiencing discomfort or pain, they are less likely to advocate for themselves than if it were the other way around.
[Image: Jonathan Borba]
Myth: You can avoid getting pregnant without contraception
Dr. Sadaf:
Pregnancy can occur any time a person engages in unprotected vaginal intercourse, regardless of whether it is their first time. Ovulation, sperm viability and timing can lead to pregnancy after any instance of intercourse where sperm comes into contact with an egg. The risk of pregnancy exists whenever proper contraception isn't used.
Myth: Romantic and sexual orientation are synonymous and static:
Dr. Tara:
Sexual orientation is who you are sexually attracted to versus a romantic orientation is who you want to be in romantic relationships with. I'm bisexual and heteroromantic, and it's been so liberating to know and have the language to talk about it. Some people may be gay and bi-romantic, or pansexual and aromantic. There are many configurations based on what's authentic to you.
[Image: Yan Krukau]
Myth: Sex looks like it does on screen
Leanne Yau:
I think this is important to state because I think people are being exposed to porn, younger and younger.
It's very important to remember that porn is sexual entertainment, which is not the same as sexual education.
I think porn is fine to consume as long as you are consuming it critically, and understanding that there are certain things that happen in porn that don't actually happen in sex. Or you know why sex looks a certain way in porn — mostly to look good for the camera, and how that's different from [regular] sex.
Myth: The hymen is the arbiter of virginity
Dr. Sadaf:
The presence of the hymen is not a reliable indicator of virginity. The hymen is a thin fold of mucous membrane at the opening of the vagina and can vary from person to person.
Some women are born with little or no hymenal tissue, and for others, the hymen may stretch or tear due to things unrelated to sexual intercourse, such as physical exercise, tampon use, or medical procedures. So to say a woman is not a virgin based on if she bleeds that first time she has sex, is completely wrong.
Myth: You can easily tell if you or a partner have a sexually transmitted disease (STI)
Leanne Yau:
The most common symptom of an S.T.I. is no symptoms at all. Herpes is a very common example, and the vast majority of people who have herpes are asymptomatic.
It's also quite hard to test for, but the most reliable way to know whether or not you have an S.T.I. is to get tested regularly.
For these answers, we consulted with three experts who cover a broad range of topics regarding sex, relationships and reproductive health. Dr. Tara is a sex and relationship expert at LuvBites, Leanne Yau is a polyamory educator and expert at Taimi and Dr. Sadaf is a practicing OB-gYN and intimacy coach.
[Image: Taras Chernus]
