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How Should I Respond To My Father’s Announcement That He Wants Me To Display His Skull On My Mantelpiece After He Dies, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Should I Respond To My Father's Announcement That He Wants Me To Display His Skull On My Mantelpiece After He Dies?
I'm a 43-year-old guy. My father is in his 70s, and he had a health scare recently. He's doing all right now, but he wanted to update his will and make some funerary plans. Dealing with the inheritance stuff was unpleasant but I suppose normal in a way. But when it came to what he wanted done with his body after he passes, I'm not sure what to do.
He doesn't want to be buried. Or cremated. Or have his body donated for scientific or medical purposes. No, what he wants is to be decapitated, his skull cleaned out, and have the rest of his remains processed into two memorial diamonds. He wants those diamonds stuck into his empty eye sockets and to be put on the mantlepiece of MY home, so he can "watch his grandkids and any other descendants that might live there." He's done all the homework on this too, found companies for the various sorts of processing, and double-checked with an attorney to make sure that this is legal where we live. (It unfortunately is.)
I don't know what to do. I do want to honor his wishes. But this is so morbid and weird. I don't think it would be a good thing for my family to look up in the living room and go "Yep, there's my old man, watching us from beyond the grave." I'm honestly considering just telling him I'll do it and then when he's gone simply having him cremated. He'll never know the difference, right? But that also feels wrong, and I think I do owe him enough to honestly say I can't honor that wish. What can I do here?
[Slate]
Allison Price points out that it's actually not legal to keep loved ones' skulls in most jurisdictions. "If he's adamant that this is his path forward, my advice is to simply say, 'OK, Dad' and then do what you want when the time comes," she writes. "Turning his cremated remains into a gemstone and putting that on some other non-osteo mount might be your best way to keep to the spirit (ha ha) of his wishes." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Company's HR Department To Stop Making Applicants Pass A Difficult Math And Logic Test In Order To Get Hired?
Several months ago, our HR department implemented a screening test for all applicants that they must pass before being hired. This is a timed test, and the questions and acceptance criteria are the same for all jobs. None of the hiring managers had seen the test or knew anything about the questions when it was implemented.
Only about 5% of screened applicants have passed the test. As you might imagine, this is causing issues with hiring managers as they are unable to fill open positions with candidates they have already evaluated and identified as good hires.
There has been such disruption that HR decided to have all current employees take the test and use the average score to consider adjusting the acceptance criteria (individual scores are supposed to remain anonymous). This was the first time any of us had seen the test questions, and now it is clear why applicants are not passing. Most, if not all, of the questions do not pertain to the jobs we are hiring for. There are math word problems, word analogy problems, inductive reasoning pattern problems used to screen engineers, logic puzzles, etc., all with a big timer counting down the available time at the top of the screen.
I see a LOT of issues with this. The aptitudes and abilities being tested are not relevant for all positions, and some are not relevant for any positions at our company. (Nobody here needs to know the exact definition of "obfuscate" as part of their job.) It is biased against candidates who are functionally fluent in English but use it as their second language. It is biased against candidates who would perform their jobs well but do not perform well on timed tests. It may not be illegal, but I can't see how it is useful.
I raised these concerns with HR, and also told them that if this test had been required when I applied to my position several years ago, I likely would have withdrawn my application. I would have seen it as a huge red flag that my performance would not be evaluated objectively based on the job requirements but on random criteria instead. I suspect many applicants are either not completing the test or choosing answers at random because they have similar concerns.
Am I off-base that this is a bad practice? Is there anything else I can do as a hiring manager to convince HR to change this practice?
Alison Green rules that the test runs counter to the principles of effective hiring. "HR shouldn't have this kind of power," she writes. "You and other hiring managers should push back hard, pointing out that HR's job is to support managers in hiring people who will perform their jobs well, not to throw up roadblocks to finding and hiring those people." Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Navigate My Mom's Insistence On Giving My Wife Collectibles And Seeing Them Displayed In Our Home, Against My Wife's Wishes?
I am the youngest of five sons and newly married. More than 15 years ago, my mom created a tradition with her first daughter-in-law of starting her a collection (figurines, special dinnerware). My mom gives the collectibles for birthdays, Christmas and Easter. She does it for all her daughters-in-law.
My wife is basically a minimalist. She'd prefer no gifts or gifts that are experiences or useful. She doesn't even have a wedding ring. My mom asked her to pick a collectible, and my wife asked if it could be a theme like gardening or knitting (interests they share and can be useful). My mom refused; it had to be a figurine or dinnerware. My wife and I -- individually -- have thanked my mom for her generosity and explained that collectibles just aren't her thing.
My wife didn't choose a collectible. We've been married one year, and my mom has given my wife three pieces to a Christmas village. She expects us to display them all year long and is refusing to come to our house because my wife is being disrespectful and condescending.
The rest of the family is pressuring us to just please my mom, saying none of them like the collectibles either. Help! How do I support my wife and have a good relationship with my mom?
Carolyn Hax's readers advise the letter writer to set boundaries with his mother. "You need to step up and own this completely with your mother," one of them writes. "This is not something your wife should deal with -- this needs to be entirely your responsibility." Read the rest of their answers.
Should I Try To Dissuade My Parents From Selling Their House In Order To Invest More In My Sister's Wildly Unsuccessful Candle Business?
About six months ago, my older sister, let's call her Ann, decided she was going to open her own artisanal candle business. On the surface, it sounds harmless enough, but it's turned into a full-blown obsession that's causing havoc in the family. She quit her job to pursue this "passion project," even though she had no experience in business and barely knows the difference between a tea light and a taper.
Here's where it gets messy. Ann convinced our parents to give her a significant loan to get started -- money they can't really afford to lose. They're both nearing retirement, but they dipped into their savings because Ann has always been the "golden child" who could do no wrong. She told them she was destined to make it big, selling "luxury, spiritually-infused candles" that will "bring light to people's lives." Her entire pitch is based on Instagram vibes and faux-spiritual nonsense she picked up from a self-help book. She even had the nerve to ask me to co-sign a loan for more startup capital when her first few batches barely sold at local craft fairs.
Now Ann spends her days in her tiny apartment surrounded by herbs, crystals, and wax, making these overpriced candles that no one wants to buy. The family has become her unofficial marketing team -- Mom's constantly posting about Ann's "amazing entrepreneurial journey" on Facebook, and Dad is practically begging his friends to order candles out of pity. I've already bought more than I can ever use just to keep the peace.
What's worse is Ann's ego has inflated to absurd proportions. She acts like she's some visionary who's revolutionizing the candle industry and constantly lectures us about the "energy" she's infusing into each creation. She's alienated most of her friends and refuses to listen to any constructive criticism. When I suggested she might want to consider keeping a part-time job until the business takes off (if it ever does), she accused me of being "negative" and not supporting her dreams.
The situation has escalated to the point where our parents are considering selling their house to "invest" more into Ann's venture. They're blind to the fact that she's dragging them into financial ruin, all because they can't admit that this candle business is a fantasy. They keep pressuring me to contribute as well, saying that as a family, we should all "come together" to support Ann's dream. ...
How do I deal with this situation without burning every bridge? Is there any way to wake them up to reality, or do I just have to let them learn the hard way? I'm exhausted from playing the "bad guy" just for trying to be practical, but I'm also tired of pretending like this isn't a disaster waiting to happen.
Heather Havrilesky offers the letter writer a script for talking to their parents about their investments in Ann's business. "I would not stand back and wait until your parents are bankrupt to say something, for your own mental health and for everyone else's," she writes. "Just be calm and loving about it." Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Responsible For Patching Things Up With My Friends' Roommate, Who Asked Me Not To Move In But To Cook More Shared Meals?
Several of my friends live in a house where the residents share responsibilities and make decisions communally. I socialize there and volunteer my labor occasionally, including cooking shared meals. When a bedroom opened up, I expressed interest in moving in. My friends responded positively, but another resident took me aside and listed all the reasons she was against it. She suggested that I move nearby instead, so I could cook for them more often. I left in tears and haven't been back since. My friends think I should patch things up with her. Is that my responsibility?
Philip Galanes encourages the letter writer not to do anything. "I think your friends may have taken the shortsighted view that if you smooth things over with this woman, it may make it easier for you to hang out at the house," he writes. "But why would you want to be around a person who hurt your feelings and told you -- among her other objections to your moving in -- that she values you only for your cooking?" Read the rest of his answer.
What Should I Do About My Sister's Insistence On Putting Her Loud Bird's Cage Right Next To The Dinner Table When She Has Guests Over?
My sister has a squawky bird she insists on keeping alongside the dinner table when she invites guests for dinner. Its ear-piercing screeching inhibits guests' ability to carry on normal conversation, so I asked her if, in the future, she could please put the bird in another room during dinner. She responded that the bird is a family member. I said, "So are children, but they aren't permitted to run around the dining table screeching when there is company over."
This year, when we returned for another dinner, she pulled the bird and its cage even closer to the table and the person sitting next to her than last time. She apparently decided the comfort of her guests is not as important as her closeness to the bird.
I don't know how to address this in the future when she disregards my feedback. Aside from the squawking, it's not appealing to have a birdcage pulled up alongside a dinner table, or to have the host constantly distracted and conversation interrupted. What is your advice?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren jokes that the only bird at a dinner table should be cooked poultry. "Because it's clear your advice wasn't appreciated, the next time you are invited to a dinner party at your sister's home, feel free to say you are busy," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
