The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only - please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

Four-Months Into The Relationship, My Girlfriend's Not Happy With My Junk

^{[Image credit: Ben Khatry]}

I'm a 27-year-old male from the UK and an atheist. My girlfriend, a 31-year-old Christian from Africa, has expressed that she doesn't like that I'm uncircumcised and wants me to undergo circumcision. We've been dating for four months, and as things have become more serious, so has her insistence on this matter. Initially, I thought she was joking, but lately, she's made it clear that she wouldn't want to have kids with me or marry me unless I get the procedure done.

I'm at a loss because I've repeatedly told her that I don't want to undergo circumcision, citing the risks and the fact that it's not advisable to have surgery for purely cosmetic reasons. Despite this, she remains insistent. How can I communicate that I don't want to be circumcised while maintaining our relationship?

This is too permanent and personal for her to demand something like this. If it's such a big deal breaker, there are plenty of other guys out there who might fit her preference. I understand having preferences, but she's dating you, not your genitals. Read the rest of the thread here..

My Girlfriend's Phobia Sent Me To The Hospital

^{[Image credit: Moose Photos]}

I am 27 (male) and my ex-fiancée is a 25-year-old woman. We had a fairly decent relationship for five years and planned to marry in fall 2025. No kids. We both have professional jobs, shared and individual interests, and our own group of friends. We probably would have had a nice life together.

I’ve always known about her excessive and over-the-top fear of insects, especially spiders and worms, and I’ve always done my best to be sensitive to this. Complete avoidance is impossible.

One evening at friends’ house, we were sitting out on a back patio with the other couple, talking, roasting marshmallows, having a few beers, and enjoying a nice night. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ER with her crying and explaining what had happened.

She saw a (non-venomous) spider on my forehead that I was not even aware of and freaked out. She picked up a cheap metal container that held a citronella candle and proceeded to bash my forehead, she thinks five times, until she was sure the spider was gone. The result was eight staples, internal brain trauma, and second-degree burns all over my face. It’s been six months since this happened, and the burn scars are still slightly visible.

I could tell that she genuinely felt bad, and after a couple of days of rest, I really felt bad for her too. I didn’t want to see her feeling guilty for her compulsion, but at the same time, after thinking and talking to friends, I decided it was best to call off the engagement. I explained that I really didn’t blame her and also that I didn’t want her to blame herself for my injuries, but that I personally didn’t want to go through another situation like that again.

A few days later, after failing to convince me to change my mind, she left, and I haven’t heard from her since. It’s been six months since the event, and of course, I miss her, but I’m wondering if I was wrong here.

She had freaked out in the past when insects had scared her, but never to the point of harming anyone. She wasn’t able to explain why she had reacted like this. She was not drunk, and the people whose house we were at were very close friends. I really don’t understand, but it has caused lasting damage to me.

EDIT: I’ve had and responded to several questions about my friends. Rather than keeping responding one-off, I’ll add the edit here.

I largely didn’t include anything about them above because they didn’t/couldn’t do much. My long-time friend, the guy, was the one who took the candle from her, and his wife called 911. I was sitting next to my ex, and the other couple was directly across the firepit. According to my friend, it happened fast and unexpectedly. It sounds like the paramedics were there less than 10 minutes after it happened. Neither of them remember seeing a spider or any other bug, and both said that my ex was freaked out when she saw what she’d done to me, like she didn’t remember. But she did remember because she told me the story in the hospital. In any event, the guy is the one who strongly supported me when I decided to leave her.

I'm not trying to be vain, but I don't think I could let my partner mess up my face like that. Also, I can't get past the fact that he described this relationship as "decent" at best. Sorry, but I'm not becoming "Scarface" for the sake of light spooning once a month. Read the rest of thread here.

Was I A Prick For Calling The Gift My Girlfriend Got Me Cheap?

^{[Image credit: Zszen John]}

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year, and we are both 20. There’s not much story here. Last weekend was my birthday. My girlfriend came over and said her present was a surprise. She went into another room and came out in a lingerie set that she said was new. She looked hot. We fooled around. That’s that.

Afterward, she asked what I thought of my present. I was a bit confused, and this is when she inferred that the lingerie was my present. This rubbed me the wrong way and felt like a lazy excuse for a gift from someone I’ve been dating for a year. To me, it seemed like she bought something for herself and said it was a gift to me. I might have been an asshole for this comment: “So if we break up, do I get to keep that and give it to whoever I date next?” This comment rubbed her the wrong way, and she called me an asshole.

I’m also upset because I took her out to a fancy dinner for her birthday that cost over $200. That’s no small cost for a 20-year-old college student without a job.

I understand where the girlfriend is coming from, but it feels like she tried to pass off a cherry on top as the main course. This might have worked with other gifts, but on its own, it feels like something she thought of just that morning. Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Photo by Deon Black]