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Am I Crazy To Be Concerned That My Mother-In-Law Took Out Two Secret Life Insurance Policies On Me, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Am I Crazy To Be Concerned That My Mother-In-Law Took Out Two Secret Life Insurance Policies On Me?
I've recently discovered that my mother-in-law has two life insurance policies on me, neither of which I knew about, and one of which is close to 20 years old. I never asked nor authorized her to take out these policies, and I am very concerned.
We do not have a good relationship. She isn't welcome in my life or our home because she is disrespectful and meddlesome. My husband has very little to do with her but doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that she took it upon herself to get these policies. Because she sells insurance, she makes it seem like it's no big deal, but it is to me.
I have my own insurance and have for all of my adult life (I am nearing 50), and I'm appalled at the idea of her collecting a payout from my demise. She has never provided us a copy of the policies, nor do we know who the beneficiaries are. In fact, we know of their existence only because she let it slip in a conversation when we told her that because she is so rude and disrespectful, we are limiting our contact with her.
Am I crazy, or are my concerns justified? Is it even legal for her to have these? Why is she wagering on my dying before her?
Abigail Van Buren expresses sympathy for the letter writer. “Discuss this with your own insurance agent,” she writes. “Explain what you have learned and ask whether what your mother-in-law has done is legal, because it may not be.” Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Reasonable That My Company Expects Me To Pay For A Cab My Boss And I Took Because He Was Too Drunk To drive?
I have been working at my job (a Fortune 500 company) for nine months, after I graduated college last year.
My boss and I went to a business lunch and he drank a lot. He was upset that I couldn’t drive us back to the office because I don’t have a driver’s license. He assumed I did. He didn’t tell me to drive until we were in the parking lot. I have epilepsy that makes me have seizures in my sleep. I have never had one when I an awake, but because it’s still epilepsy, I am not allowed to drive by law. I live in a large city with buses, cabs, and a subway, so I get along just fine if none of my family or friends can drive me.
I refused even though he insisted, and we had to take a cab back to the office and my boss had to take a cab back to get his company car the next day. Instead of expensing it, my boss and his boss want me to pay both cab fares. My boss said I should have told him I can’t drive. I work a desk job with no driving component and it was not mentioned in the requirements for my job. The cab fares totaled over $100 and I don’t think I should have to pay because my boss decided to get falling down drunk while he was on the clock. And even if I did have a license I wouldn’t have driven a company car without permission from someone higher than my manager. Is it okay to go to HR with something like this or is it expected I would have to pay?
Alison Green rules that the letter writer absolutely should not have to pay for the cab. “[P]lease talk to HR and explain that your boss got drunk at a business lunch, tried to pressure you to drive illegally despite your medical condition, and now is trying to force you to pay his cab expenses,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Dying Mother-In-Law To Make Me Feel More Included In Her Healthcare And Hospice Plans?
My mother-in-law, “Mia,” is dying of cancer, and I want to find a path that respects her wishes without throwing our blended family into chaos. My husband and I married two years ago after one year of dating. We each have two teenage children. Blending the families has been difficult, but we’re in a mostly good place now.
Mia is a lovely woman who was very welcoming to me and my children. When she got sick, I noticed “tiers” forming in the family. She wanted just her two kids, no in-laws, involved in decisions about her care. Sometimes she would ask my brother-in-law and me to leave the room during her treatment. I have been respectful of that, but it’s not the greatest feeling.
Mia also requested that once she enters hospice, her visitors be limited to just her children, biological grandchildren, and sister and brother — no in-laws, no steps. She would like to say her goodbyes to the rest of the family before.
I find this somewhat hurtful, but I think my children will find it extremely hurtful, and I worry it will throw off the household peace. I have asked my husband to speak to his mom, but he is unwilling to. He feels it is more important that she doesn’t feel pressured than other people’s feelings be considered. I fully recognize that Mia has the final say, but I worry about the long-term consequences. Should I speak to my husband again? Speak to Mia myself? Accept her decision?
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer to accept Mia’s decision. “Your job is to make it clear to your kids that dying is difficult and stressful on the dying, not just on their families — and Mia can love and appreciate them and reasonably say her goodbyes to them upon entering hospice,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Prevent My Daughter From Picking Up Trashy Dressing And Poor Self-Control From My Ex, Who Just Lost A Lot Of Weight?
My ex put on a lot of weight over the years. Since the divorce, though, she’s suddenly skinny, and I’m worried her eating and clothing habits are setting a bad example for my daughter. My daughter has recently gained weight, and I think it’s from a bad food environment at her mom’s house. My ex apparently now goes for a long bike ride every day with our daughter, who now spends her weekends at our house anxious about missing those rides. She is always trying to get us to go for walks instead, but I work nights and my wife has a toddler, so an after-dinner walk isn’t practical for us.
At a recent family birthday party, my ex ate a few carrots and nothing else all afternoon. I’m worried she’s taking Ozempic for vanity reasons …
since she never had that self-control before and she lost the weight so fast. She wore a bikini in the pool, something she never did when we were together. My wife refuses to talk about my ex, although she does agree with me about the way she is dressing. I don’t want my daughter to pick up trashy dressing or poor self-control from her mom. What do I do about this?
Dan Kois encourages the letter writer to stop being so weird about all this. “You worry that your daughter’s weight gain is due to ‘a bad food environment,’ but it sounds to me as if her mom has helped her embrace a healthy family activity and she’s eager to try that activity with her dad — only to be shot down by a guy who’s suspicious for no apparent reason,” he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My New Neighbor To Stop Pestering Me To Agree To A Sign-Up Sheet For Our Shared Laundry And Parking Facilities?
I am a 30-something working professional who has lived in the same apartment complex for the last five years. I have few complaints about my current living situation. It is a relatively small complex (10 units) with one communal washer and dryer for all tenants and several unassigned parking spaces. My neighbors are cordial and we know each other, but everyone keeps to themselves. Recently, a new tenant moved in and seemed to be a good fit… at first. After some brief chats in passing over the course of several weeks she asked for my phone number. I had no issue sharing it with her, as I have several other neighbor’s phone numbers, primarily in case of an emergency. However, it turned out she was collecting my number to start a text thread with everyone in the building.
In the thread, she proposed that she thought it was a good idea for everyone to coordinate the usage of both the laundry and on-site parking so they could be used “fairly and equitably.” She sent out a spreadsheet and requested we all sign up for time slots to use these amenities. I was taken aback—I work long hours and travel frequently for work (often on short notice), and I do not have the time or desire to coordinate when I am doing my laundry with other adults I barely know. Several people responded but I felt no need to engage and ignored her requests.
Recently, she approached me in person and asked why I hadn’t added myself to her spreadsheet. I told her that the laundry and parking had been on a first come first serve basis and that no one has seemed to have an issue with it and left it at that. She has approached me on several other occasions now and has become increasingly insistent that I participate. She has brought it up in the text thread nearly every day despite me finally making it clear in person that I would not participate. It is to the point that I feel like I need to race in and out of my apartment to avoid her. I don’t know how else to convey to her that even if she considers this to be important, she needs to respect my boundaries and leave me out of her attempts to turn this apartment building into a “fair and equitable” community. Bringing this up with our landlord seems excessive to me; however, at this point I am at a loss as to how to handle it. Any advice?
Ashley C. Ford advises the letter writer to explain to their neighbor why they’re not interested in the sign-up sheet. “If she doesn’t stop accosting you on this subject, I would make your position clear, in writing, in the group chat she’s created,” she writes. “Chances are, you aren’t the only one who’s reluctant to sign up for slots, but everyone else is assuming that they’re the only ones not on board.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Feel Embarrassed Or Sad Because My Ex-Wife Threw Herself An Elaborate 70th Birthday Party?
My ex-wife (we divorced 40 years ago) recently did something I would never dream of doing: She threw herself an elaborate catered party for her 70th birthday. Our daughter and her husband attended, as did I, along with a dozen of my ex's longtime friends. She gave each of us a copy of her self-published book of poems.
It all left me with very mixed emotions. Is this a thing people do all the time and no one told me? Was it meant to show her appreciation for us on her “journey in life,” or was it an opportunity for her to be the center of attention? Either (or both) would be consistent with what I’ve observed of her personality over the decades.
I don’t know if I should feel happy or embarrassed for her -- or even sad. What are your thoughts?
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin counsel the letter writer to feel grateful. “[I]f your former wife is not sad or embarrassed, why should you be?” they write. Read the rest of their answer.
