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How Can I Get My Sister To Understand That I'm Not Going To Marry Her, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Sister To Understand That I’m Not Going To Marry Her?
My younger sister and I were close growing up. We didn't have many friends, but we were always willing to play games and have fun with each other. At one point, my sister said she wanted to marry me when we grew up. I didn't think much of it because we were still kids, and I figured she didn't know there were different types of love.
As we grew older, we did make our own friends, and today I'm engaged to my longtime girlfriend. My sister and my fiancee got along great during the years we were still just "boyfriend and girlfriend," but after we announced our engagement, my sister became hostile.
As it turns out, my sister took her intention to marry me seriously, and even as we got older and she understood the difference between familial and romantic love, she carried a torch for me well into her teens.
I would like my little sister to be part of the wedding because of how important she's been to me, but she stubbornly insists on "winning me back" from my fiancee. Is there a way to explain the reality of this situation, or are our sibling bonds done for good?
Abigail Van Buren raises concerns that the letter writer’s sister could disrupt the letter writer’s wedding. “Your sister is in need of the services of a mental health professional to rid herself of her fixation on you,” she writes. “Perhaps your sibling bond can be reestablished later, but don't bank on it.” Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Wait For A Woman To Finish Working Out At An Otherwise Empty Gym Late At Night And Then Watch Her Leave?
I am a 67-year-old man who works out regularly at a gym. The gym is open 24/7, and members have a key fob to enter since it is not always staffed.
I was exercising at 9 p.m., and the only other person there was a young, attractive woman, probably in her 40s. We exchanged pleasantries. When I was finished with my workout, I realized I did not feel comfortable leaving a young woman alone there at night. I was especially concerned about her walking out to her car by herself.
After my workout, I sat on a bench near the door, waiting for her to finish so I could make sure she got to her car all right. Miss Manners, I did not keep talking to her while she finished exercising; I just looked at my phone quietly. I did nothing untoward to her.
As she left the building, she said, “Have a good night.” Then I watched her from inside the gym to make sure she got in her car safely. After she drove off, I left. I intentionally waited until her car drove away before leaving so she didn’t think I was trying to follow her.
Several days later, the gym owner approached me and said that when I’m finished exercising, I need to leave immediately and not linger. He said this was for the safety of all members.
Safety! That’s exactly why I was “lingering”!
Did I do something wrong here? Should a man not try to keep a woman safe? I thought I was being chivalrous.
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin point out that the woman had no way of knowing the letter writer’s intentions. “If she, like you, worries about strange men targeting her — well, what do you look like, hanging idly around while she is alone in the gym?” they write. “[T]he trouble with chivalry is that the chevalier decides what is best for the lady without consulting her.” Read the rest of their answer.
Am I Right To Be Concerned That My Boyfriend Wants Me To Buy A House With Him That Only He Would Own?
My boyfriend, who is 60 years old, and I (48) have been together for 15 years. I make low six figures, and he makes about $20,000 to $30,000 less than that. We live in his house with about 10 years left on the mortgage. We’ve talked about getting married, and he is anxious to move into a home that is more friendly to aging in place. We’ve been saving money to buy a house together, plus I have a few thousand from selling a small townhouse a few years ago.
My concern is that if we buy a house together, he’s made it clear that both of our names will be on the mortgage but it will be only his name on the house title. His philosophy is that if we’re married and he dies, I will inherit the house anyway. My concern is that if we split up (let’s be realistic here), I will be left on a mortgage that I’ve helped pay down with nothing to show for it. (This is after I’ve basically paid his $800 mortgage as “rent” since we moved in together 10 years ago. I also pay our cell phone bill and he pays all other utilities.) He says we can write up documents showing what each of us brought to the house purchase and what each of us contributes monthly, but my gut says I’m putting myself in a precarious financial situation. Am I right to be concerned, or can we put something on paper so I can protect myself whether or not we’re married?
Ilyce Glink advises the letter writer to tell their boyfriend they want to be an equal partner in home ownership. “If you each put down an equal amount for a down payment and contribute the same amount on the mortgage, you should share ownership of the property equally,” she writes. “You should own the property as joint tenants with rights of survivorship.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Boss I Don’t Think It Was Warranted For Her To Fine Me A Full Day’s Salary For Being 45 Minutes Late For Work?
My company has a ridiculous late fine policy: you will be fined $2 for every minute, starting from 9:01 a.m. So if you come in at 9:05 a.m., that’s $10 you gotta pay up in cash. (This is not somewhere where down-to-the-minute coverage would be essential. It’s just typical deskbound, back-end work. …)
I’ve been here for over a year, and have been fined maybe three times. They were for 9:01 a.m., 9:02 a.m. and 9:08 a.m. I was intensely annoyed and embarrassed, but okay, I can still absorb the $2-$16 financial pinch. …
A few days ago, I overslept for the first time. I somehow slept through my usual TWO alarms and woke up with a start at 8:30 a.m. — an hour late. I immediately texted my manager that I had overslept and asked if it was possible to get an emergency, UNPAID, half-day leave. I had calculated that coming in an hour late would result in a $120 fine, which is painfully difficult for me to absorb. I’m a junior employee.
My manager said no. She wanted me to come in anyway because “it’s the right thing to do.” I cried some tears of frustration, but told her okay and rushed like hell down, but not before racking up 45 minutes worth of late fine — $90. …
I just received a glowing annual appraisal and got publicly commended by the director, in spite of my young age (this is my first job out of college) and junior position. Furthermore, I work overtime every day because my workload is high, even though we don’t get any overtime pay. And I’m not chronically late — this was my first time oversleeping.
And yet, my manager rejected my request for an UNPAID, half-day leave. Technically, she is right and I deserved it. But I don’t think being rigidly strict here was warranted. Am I just entitled for feeling this way? If you divide my monthly salary by 30 days, $90 is what I earn in one day. ...
Is this worth revisiting with her about, and if so, how should I approach it?
Alison Green encourages the letter writer to look into whether this type of fine is legal in their state and to consider unionizing. “Because this is your first job after college, you might be thinking this is more acceptable than it actually is,” she writes. “But it’s not normal to treated salaried professionals this way.” Read the rest of her answer.
What’s The Best Way To Look At Women In Public Without Getting Disapproving Looks From Strangers?
What is the rule about looking at women in public? As a red-blooded male, I would like to stare, but of course that’s rude and possibly antisocial. In the past, when I’ve taken a quick glance and got caught, I was given sharp, disapproving looks from the woman and, often, some bystanders.
I’ve always been a loner, so I didn’t always get clued in on proper etiquette. When I married, I asked male co-workers what to do about looking at women, considering my new status. One said, ‘‘You’ve got to smell the roses along the way.’’ I took that to heart and continued to ogle women. This eventually led to my divorce.
When women wear tight pants, it seems unfair: They are very sexy, but men are not allowed to look. What do women prefer in this situation? I want to do the right thing.
Kwame Anthony Appiah urges the letter writer to err on the side of averting his gaze. “Just as people who know they have a poor sense of direction learn to check maps more often, someone who struggles to read social signals around looking would do well by being reserved and not risk making others uncomfortable,” he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Should I Handle My Father’s Efforts To Convince Me And My Mom To Get Cosmetic Procedures?
My father is falling down a plastic surgery rabbit hole and trying to drag everyone around him down with it. He’s in his late 50s and, in the past year, he got his first cosmetic surgery and made a whole fuss about the results. I personally can’t see any difference whatsoever, but he brags about it constantly to anyone and everyone!
After this “success”, he’s been telling my mom to get Botox and microneedling for her wrinkles and telling me to get a weird, expensive acne laser treatment and urging me to see his cosmetic dermatologist for my acne scars. I feel very uncomfortable with this – I previously did Accutane and a million other things for my acne, which is, cough cough, genetic! – and any suggestion that my mid-50s mother needs to stop ageing.
How do I navigate my father’s maddening descent into plastic surgery culture?
Jessica DeFino suggests a heart-to-heart between the letter writer and her dad. “To help your dad understand what’s happening to him — and how it’s affecting the women in his life — I suggest what I’d suggest to any Sephora tween on the cusp of critical thinking: feminism,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
