good question
How Much Should I Accommodate My Husband’s Debilitating Grief After The Death Of The Woman He Was Cheating On Me With, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Much Should I Accommodate My Husband’s Debilitating Grief After The Death Of The Woman He Was Cheating On Me With?
Three months ago, the woman who was having an affair with my husband died suddenly from an accident. I found out about the affair only two days after her funeral. I thought she was simply a co-worker and I was wondering why my husband was so disturbed and emotional. He quit his job, saying it was too traumatic to go to work. She was in the early weeks of pregnancy when she died and my husband doesn’t know whether he or her husband was the father. So, on top of everything, he’s also grieving for a baby which may or may not have been his. I find it extremely difficult to be emotionally supportive when he wakes up at 3 A.M. crying and trembling — yet I don’t have the heart to yell at him like I want to. He says she’s dead, so there’s no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. We’ve barely talked these last weeks because I don’t know how to respond to my husband when he cries and says he misses her and wishes she were here, then also how much he loves me and that he never intended to leave me. I asked him to visit a marriage therapist together and he said he’s “not ready” to work on our marriage, and thinks he needs to see a grief therapist instead. Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? Or should I demand he focus on our marriage?
Emily Yoffe advises the letter writer to separate from their husband while they each figure out what they want. “If you are being asked to be an understanding source of solace while he mourns the loss of his mistress, a woman who was possibly the mother of his child, then that is an emotional burden that’s simply outside the bounds of what one spouse can ask of another,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince A Teen Girl To Explain To My Son And His Friends Why They Were Wrong To Launch A Surprise Tickle Fight On Her?
In December, my son attended a religious retreat away from home. When some of the high school boys were in a room alone with girls, the boys got overexcited, turned off the lights and yelled “Tickle fight!” One of the girls was touched on the shoulder, but nothing remotely sexual happened. The adviser to the group has barred the boys involved from the next retreat. But I think it’s important for them to attend and discuss what happened rather than suffer an exclusionary punishment. Excluding the boys will only make things worse for the girl: Everyone knows she is the reason the boys won’t be there. I think it would be better to have the girl explain to the boys (with adult support) why their behavior was wrong. But I can’t convince the adviser. Thoughts?
Philip Galanes points out that the girl is not “the reason the boys won’t be there”; the boys are. “[N]o girl is responsible for explaining to teenage boys why unwanted touching is wrong,” he writes. “That is your job!” Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Future Father-In-Law To Stop Making Comments About My Penis Size?
I could use some perspective on a situation that happened over the holidays with my soon-to-be father-in-law. My fiancée and I have been together for about four years and got engaged six months ago. We do not see her parents frequently because they live across the country (I have visited them with her about once a year since we met). My fiancée has a good relationship with them and our visits have been free of conflict in the past, and according to her they are supportive of our engagement.
This Christmas was the first time we have seen them since we got engaged, and one evening her father was showing us some family photo albums he had recently unearthed while cleaning out the basement. To my shock, on one page there were several old photos of a completely nude man lounging in a lawn chair with his legs spread. I was clearly caught off guard, which made her father chuckle heartily and share that that was his father and that there was a “long tradition of well-hung men in this family.”
He then said that he was so happy his daughter had met me and that he hoped I was “satisfying” her and would continue to for years to come, which made her burst out laughing. I tried to brush it off and didn’t bring it up with her, but the next night while helping set the table he asked if my hands were “big enough” to carry the multiple items I was bringing to the table. I had had enough, and that night I shared my concerns with my fiancée and told her how uncomfortable I was, but she said that’s just how he is and that it’s a sign that he’s comfortable around me and feels like he can be himself.
After we returned home, I tried to forget about it, but I am finding myself having intrusive thoughts about it and am feeling increasingly offended. I would consider myself to be secure in my masculinity, but I’m starting to question her father’s impression of me. I genuinely do not want him making comments like this in the future, but I also worry that I’m reading into it too much and am making a big deal out of nothing. I’m thinking about asking my fiancée to bring it up with him, but I worry that it would strain my relationship with him and only make him more inclined to tease me in the future about various things, including other highly personal topics. I’m having worst case scenario thoughts about him making comments like this at our wedding, or even during a toast, and I don’t know how I could live that down. How should I approach this before it’s too late?
Delia Cai theorizes that the letter writer’s future father-in-law is trying to get a reaction out of the letter writer. “The trick here, I think, will be to stay as calm as possible and avoid giving him any of that satisfaction,” she writes. “Instead, treat this adult man the way you’d treat a juvenile younger cousin who won’t leave you alone.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Be Concerned That The Woman I’m Dating Thinks My Male Pattern Baldness Is Reversible?
My male pattern baldness started becoming obvious in my early-20s. I turned 28 last year and have been shaving my head for two years.
The woman I am now seeing thinks it’s silly to shave my head. She thinks I should just let my hair, what there is of it, grow out. What she doesn’t seem to understand is that I feel self-conscious with a receding hairline topped with a bald spot.
She thinks once my hair is more visible I can start changing my diet and taking supplements and maybe even treatments to regrow my hair.
I doubt any of that stuff will work. My uncle and cousin both lost their hair early and tried everything from vitamins to surgery, and none of it took. I also tried a few things earlier on, which also didn’t do anything beyond cost me money and give me some uneven temporary regrowth.
I say it’s in the genes. She thinks I can fix it.
It makes me think she isn’t accepting me for who I am. Isn’t that how it seems to play?
Susan Writer rules that the letter writer gets to call the shots when it comes to his appearance. “If you’re at peace with your solution, which it sounds like you are, then that’s your best argument in the to shave or not to shave debate with your lady friend,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Why Won’t My Sibling Pull Strings With My Influential In-Law To Help My Writing Career?
I’m an aspiring writer and am hitting a wall. I have a portfolio that I’m really proud of and have sent it to various publishers and magazines with no luck. Plus, I’m short on money, and every submission costs $25 to $35.
My in-law teaches writing at a well-known university, and I asked my sibling to ask him to write a letter of introduction for me to a certain editor, and my sib is balking.
Not only am I hurt, but I’m also bothered by a lack of reciprocity: When their car broke down, for instance, my spouse stepped in immediately to fix it. That’s just one example.
So how come this isn’t a two-way street?
Carolyn Hax argues that fixing a broken car isn’t comparable to leveraging professional capital. “[Y]our sib, if anyone, owes you — not the professor or editor,” she writes. “That’s a stack of favors, not one involving a knowledgeable, invested advocate for your work.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Deal With My Friend’s Refusal To Come To My Apartment Unless He Can Bring His Dog?
A friend takes his new dog with him wherever he goes. My building has a strict no-pets policy. A neighbor was asked to leave once the landlord discovered her cat. Therefore, I do not want the dog coming over to visit. My friend told me that if the dog is not welcome, then he is not welcome. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I feel he’s being irrational. What is the best way to deal with this?
Robin Abrahams urges the letter writer to hold a firm line on not having the friend’s dog over. “This is not a judgment on his lifestyle or priorities or a valuation of your friendship,” she writes. “It is simply a practical matter.” Read the rest of her answer.
