I'm still trying to decide if the answer changes if I'm wearing clothes.
posted by advicepig at 8:16 AM on September 16 [39 favorites]

How does a walrus know to knock on a door to announce its presence?
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 8:22 AM on September 16 [9 favorites]

That is a fascinating thought problem and perfect for getting people talking. Thanks for sharing it! Going to steal it for my family group chat.
posted by Art_Pot at 8:22 AM on September 16

I'm still trying to decide if the answer changes if I'm wearing clothes.

Okay, this made me literally LOL, thank you! But also -- right!?!
posted by Pedantzilla at 8:22 AM on September 16 [5 favorites]

Are either of them trying to sell me solar panels?
posted by mittens at 8:24 AM on September 16 [14 favorites]

Depends - Is it a standard Walrus or a the Talking variety?

Also how big is the fairy?
posted by Faintdreams at 8:25 AM on September 16 [4 favorites]

I wonder if adding a top hat, monocle, and a bow tie would make the door-knocking-walrus more believable.
posted by AzraelBrown at 8:25 AM on September 16 [7 favorites]

"Excuse me," the walrus said, "I've just been in a terrible fight with 100 duck-sized horses..."
posted by allegedly at 8:25 AM on September 16 [32 favorites]

1) I low-key hate things like this that rely on intentionally ambiguous wording designed to create a scolding situation. Surprise is a subjective emotional state. Probability is math. They didn't ask 'Which is less probable'. That would have primed people to think about which is actually less likely, and wouldn't let them be pedantic and judgmental, so of course they didn't word it that way.

2) I know what to do if a fairy knocks at my door. I've heard very many stories. I must offer hospitality. I must not make any promises or deals, especially vaguely worded ones. I don't think that would ever happen to me, but I am about as prepared as possible for it happening to me (though I still expect it would end poorly).

If a walrus knocks as my door though . . . would animal control even know what to do? If the walrus is knocking intentionally, like a person, would it be wrong to call animal control? Will it attack me? Ask me for shelter? Wander around in a daze? I have no idea what to do in this situation.
posted by Garm at 8:28 AM on September 16 [29 favorites]

How does a walrus know to knock on a door to announce its presence?

True to my name, I think this minor detail actually breaks the premise. True, a walrus showing up at your door unexpectedly is merely improbable -- it's the walrus knocking on the door that turns it into an impossibility. That detail makes me imagine it as the anthropomorphized Lewis Carroll's "The Walrus and the Carpenter" walrus, which, really, isn't any different from a fairy.
posted by Pedantzilla at 8:28 AM on September 16 [9 favorites]

Yeah, it's the door-knocking that skews it for me.

If the question was, you open your door at random, which would you be more surprised to find on your doorstep, then the fairy is obviously more surprising. Maybe the walrus escaped from a zoo, or a... walrus transporting truck. I don't know. But, like, OK.

But the implication that the walrus has KNOCKED ON YOUR DOOR -- like, not a weird noise or a thump, but a knock -- kind of makes me go... well, I'm not sure I'd die on this hill, but at least a fairy might have hands and know what a door is?
posted by kyrademon at 8:30 AM on September 16 [15 favorites]

Considering my children dress as fairies on a semi-regular basis, finding one on my doorstep is verging on common. Finding someone dressed as a walrus - or indeed an actual walrus - on my doorstep in deep suburbia is substantially less likely and hence more surprising. And HTF did he manage to knock?
posted by Absolutely No You-Know-What at 8:32 AM on September 16 [5 favorites]

Why, when this question is posed, do I imagine my childhood home's front door? Apparently I have a Platonic front door for considering questions like this.
posted by bendybendy at 8:33 AM on September 16 [24 favorites]

I did have a seal swim past just below the front door of my next-to-last place.
posted by biffa at 8:35 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]

In the end, though, I'd probably still go with walrus, on the assumption that it is possible someone could have dropped off a walrus on my stoop, knocked on the door, and then run away.

Darn kids.
posted by kyrademon at 8:35 AM on September 16 [15 favorites]

How does a walrus know to knock on a door to announce its presence?

The same way an Amazon package does.
posted by Reyturner at 8:36 AM on September 16 [10 favorites]

on the assumption that it is possible someone could have dropped off a walrus on my stoop, knocked on the door, and then run away.

That's what I assumed. The question doesn't say who knocked on the door.
posted by praemunire at 8:38 AM on September 16 [8 favorites]

From here on out I will be vaguely disappointed every time I answer the door.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:40 AM on September 16 [23 favorites]

Honestly this is an impossible question to answer unless I can confirm geography and whether or not it is Halloween.

Fwiw, I'm not sure I've seen any walrus costumes recently, but I've sure seen some tiny narwhals. And I absolutely think that dressing your toddler up like a narwhal is adorable and I will absolutely give you first choice on candy.
posted by thivaia at 8:44 AM on September 16 [4 favorites]

That's what I assumed. The question doesn't say who knocked on the door.

Clearly it was the fairy.
posted by Absolutely No You-Know-What at 8:46 AM on September 16 [9 favorites]

> Also how big is the fairy?

queen-sized
posted by genpfault at 8:46 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]

What I like about this question is that I have been wondering in the back of my mind about all the different ways that people manufacture knowledge. This has grown as a question as I watch fragmenting political discourse in the US and my home in the UK. Very different views on what is true or possible.

It applies to many other domains. Such as: what knowledge does science impart, and how? Learning a bit about study design and basic statistics really shifted my perspective on what “knowing” something means in a scientific context. I went from “this study proves….” to “this study implies this imperfect model of reality is somewhat more plausible than this other model, but all evidence is flawed, more research is needed, further studies could fail to reproduce this result, etc”. (I am sure there are more caveats).

Except there’s also times when the weight of data is so extensive that, yeah, we know it now. No more quibbling required. Even where the facts seem far more deranged than the existence of fairies (“there are how many galaxies in the observable universe?”)

It seems where you land on walrus/fairy is somewhat to do with definitions and assumptions about what the question implies. Which is interesting in itself. Did you think a guy in a fairy costume or an actual supernatural fairy? That says something more interesting about a person than their Myers-Briggs type.

But even that gets into the knowledge question anyway. How would you even know if it’s a supernatural being rather than just a guy in a costume? How do you construct that knowledge in the moment?

To me, this question is mainly about what you think you already know about the world, and why you think you know it; and how these hypothetical events differ in what they add to that data set.

I just think that is really neat.
posted by Probabilitics at 8:49 AM on September 16 [8 favorites]

The same way an Amazon package does.

By emailing me a photo of a walrus on my neighbor's porch?
posted by AzraelBrown at 8:51 AM on September 16 [31 favorites]

I don’t believe in fairies, but I also have it on good authority that they wear boots and dance with dwarves. So knocking on doors isn’t really a stretch.
posted by TedW at 8:54 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]

I'm on team Fairy. That would greatly surprise me and I would have so many questions about reality as we know it. But a walrus? Someone went to great lengths to prank me and I'd start with a slow clap and maybe try to pet it and feed it.
posted by numaner at 8:58 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]

Yeah, obvy the walrus didn't do the knocking. Neighborhood kids put the walrus on the porch, knocked, and raced under hydrangea bushes to hide and watch you get walrus all over you in your attempt to get your head around the fact that it's somehow not a fairy.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:07 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]

For the sake of clarity and to keep with the spirit of the original asker's intent, if we reword the original question to remove all mentions of knocking, and you just opened the door to find either a fairy or a walrus there...

Well, I mean, all the fun goes out of the question, doesn't it? There's any number of ways that a walrus might just end up at one's door. Escaped zoo truck shenanigans, for example, which if it were a movie or even a 10 minute youtube video I wouldn't bother to watch, is how boring that is.

For me, all of the fun in this question comes from assuming that through an extremely improbable series of events the walrus got to my door ON ITS OWN POWER and also it DID "knock" on my door by, say, accidentally brushing its fingernails on my door in just the right way so as to simulate a knocking sound. (Do walrii have fingernails??)

Making that assumption takes this from a "whatever" kind of question to "oh my god what the fuck how does that even happen" kind of question. I'd still answer that a fairy is more surprising, but this time I will have had so much more FUN.
posted by MiraK at 9:09 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]

Neighborhood kids put the walrus on the porch

Have you all ever ... seen a walrus. Pretty sure your neighborhood kids did not move one to two tons of walrus anywhere. Unless one of them is forklift certified I guess.

I feel like the fact that we are brainstorming the logistics of the walrus so much (how did it knock? how did it get here?) supports the first theory, ie "a walrus knocking on my door ... means I'm wrong about a great many things." The fairy, once you get over the hump of accepting its existence, well, yeah of course it can get itself to my house and knock on my door and know what that means. And you don't have to wonder about its motivations either, because it's a fairy, their motivations are meant to be all unknowable. Part of the problem of the walrus is the WHY. Does my house smell like fish?
posted by solotoro at 9:15 AM on September 16 [8 favorites]

It would depend on the smell of the walrus.

I’ve done so many and so much drugs in my life that seeing a walrus without smelling it would be a little bit surprising, I would just sigh, close the door, and go make a strong coffee. Seeing a fairy would me more surprising because I’ve seen plenty of animals, but never fairies.

If I could see and smell a walrus I would definitely freak out. Never been able to hallucinate strong or realistic scents. And you can smell a walrus from half a zoo away. Because I have no idea what a fairy smells like, any scent I would dismiss as being manufactured by my mind.

In either case I would try to juice the fairy experience for a while before going back inside for a string coffee.

And at least for me it is clear that the question is about emotional reactions, not probabilities. Surprise is something I feel in my body. An involuntary yelp, a jump in heart rate, an instant of confusion followed be deep joy or fear. I like this question because it opens the door to reflecting about how I know the world should work vs. how I actually experience it.
posted by Dr. Curare at 9:17 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]

> The fairy, once you get over the hump of accepting its existence, well, yeah of course it can

One does not simply get over the hump of accepting a fairy's existence. Oh my god! It breaks everything, *everything*. It breaks quantum mechanics and relativity. It breaks the lunar landings, the Voyager missions. It breaks the concept of equality among all humankind. It breaks the concept of prayer. For all I know it breaks the concept of a heliocentric solar system and magnets, too, like, what? what?? Fairies?????
posted by MiraK at 9:17 AM on September 16 [9 favorites]

What this has revealed to me is that I have apparently been extremely lucky or unlucky to have had a large number of "unlikely" animal encounters in my life, such that, knocking aside (I am sure a trained walrus could do that, the squirrels, pigeons, crows, neighbourhood cat, etc have figured it out), the idea of a walrus on my doorstep provokes not so much shock and amazement as a deep sigh of resignation.

I now know I will waste my entire day making weird pleas on social media, calling around increasingly sceptical and/or eccentric animal rescue and rehab charities who "don't do pick ups" and only open obscure hours, dragging the spare inflatable hot tub to the door to try to "make a habitat", googling "do walruses need salt water" and so on.

A fairy, however, would prove that I have lost my entire mind. They're not even in the same ballpark universe of unlikelihood, to me.
posted by AFII at 9:18 AM on September 16 [6 favorites]

I think Oglaf did a webcomic on this. It ended in group sex, with one in front pointedly displaying pursed lips and closed eyes.

Getting over the hump of accepting a fairy's existence, indeed...
posted by zaixfeep at 9:21 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: reliance on intentionally ambiguous wording designed to create a scolding situation.
posted by zaixfeep at 9:23 AM on September 16 [7 favorites]

Yeah the more people try to explain how a walrus could show up at my door, the more I am convinced I would be more surprised by a walrus.

I think, maybe, people don't know how big a walrus is? Like maybe it's a small female Atlantic walrus so it only weighs 880 POUNDS. To show up at my door via any means less magical than a fairy, I would hear that truck backing down my street, I would see the crane delivering the walrus via harness.

Here is a picture of how they transport a TAXIDERMIED walrus.
posted by muddgirl at 9:27 AM on September 16 [7 favorites]

How would you even know if it’s a supernatural being rather than just a guy in a costume?

Because a fairy, by my definition, is a tiny glowing being with wings flitting around in the air. Like I said, I would have a great many questions, one of the firsts would be, is this a very well done magic trick or hallucination?
posted by numaner at 9:33 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]

One does not simply get over the hump of accepting a fairy's existence. Oh my god! It breaks everything, *everything*.

Yeah, a walrus would elicit a "how the fuck did this get here?!" reaction. A fairy would have me assuming I'm experiencing a psychotic break of some kind.
posted by star gentle uterus at 9:35 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]

As someone who has seen many, MANY news stories about seals on people's door steps; roofs; coming in through their cat flaps and napping on their couches

the walrus is far more plausible.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 9:35 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]

What if it's a walrus that is a fairy?
posted by Joey Michaels at 9:40 AM on September 16 [4 favorites]

Look if the walrus wants to get past the lobby buzzer and climb two flights of stairs to come specifically to MY door, I'm like..."well done!" but and I'm definitely surprised but I am not Undone.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:44 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]

and maybe try to pet it and feed it.

You regularly keep dozens of molluscs on hand?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:46 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]

I've just realised its a trick question. I don't answer the door when I have nothing on.
posted by biffa at 9:51 AM on September 16 [3 favorites]

i don't care which it is, they ignored my no soliciting sign.
posted by Clowder of bats at 9:52 AM on September 16 [4 favorites]

What if it's a walrus that is a fairy?

everyone tagging this as the tooth fairy stop being funnier than me
posted by Pachylad at 10:00 AM on September 16 [13 favorites]

Obviously you’d be more surprised by the walrus. The utter joy you feel from finding a fairy would far outweigh any surprise.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:01 AM on September 16 [1 favorite]

You regularly keep dozens of molluscs on hand?

...you don't?
posted by praemunire at 10:05 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]

The utter joy you feel from finding a fairy would far outweigh any surprise.

No, the discovery of a fairy would be extremely troubling. As anyone familiar with the oeuvre of Daisy Meadows will know, those things travel in packs and seeing one is a sure indication that some ridiculous trinket has gone missing in a way that threatens the existence of a beloved holiday, season, activity, emotion, or color.

Although now I'm even more concerned at the notion that Wanda the Walrus Fairy might be at the door; I don't want to think about what might have gone wrong to provoke such a situation.
posted by nickmark at 10:11 AM on September 16 [6 favorites]

I'm still trying to decide if the answer changes if I'm wearing clothes.
Also how big is the fairy?
What if it's a walrus that is a fairy?

Gah interesting questions are like, brain kryptonite for me. I am picturing myself entirely naked, trying to decide whom the knock tolls for – a walnut-sized walrus or a 200’ tall fairy. One can tell only truths, one can tell only lies.

None of this thinking is voluntary, get out of my head! J/k life is a delight.
posted by 1024 at 10:29 AM on September 16 [6 favorites]

Knowing what I know of folklore of the Good People, I'd take a walrus, any walrus, any day, over one of the Good Folk. Everything is a word and etiquette game with the Faithless Kings. Pass the salt? You've offended them, get a curse. Don't pass the salt? Breach of hospitality, get a curse. Be even in the slightest way rude to them? Oh, you're so getting cursed.

AFAIK there's no mythology about walruses cursing people, or abducting people to walrus land. There are no Wild Hunts of Walruses in the night hunting people down in the Fjords. Walruses are bros and sistas. Give me the Walrus.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 10:31 AM on September 16 [11 favorites]

Are either of them trying to sell me solar panels?

At a 50% discount!
posted by Saxon Kane at 10:35 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]

Either way, fairy or walrus, I definitely should not have eaten that leftover quiche last night...
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 10:40 AM on September 16

I am the walrus.
posted by spilon at 10:54 AM on September 16 [4 favorites]

In the future, if I open my door to find either a walrus or a fairy, my reaction is going to be annoyance that I'm being dragged unwillingly into someone else's attempt to Win An Argument On The Internet.
posted by mstokes650 at 10:59 AM on September 16 [10 favorites]

I live near a large marine biology research department so, while I would be enormously startled by a walrus*, I would assume it was someone’s attempt to woo either the charming young persons half a block one way from me or the recently widowed lacustrine researcher half a block the other way.

* walruses are startling even when they are lying in a beach and you went there to look at them after reading a lot of walrus facts. Look up at a bird, back at the walrus: startled again.
posted by clew at 11:07 AM on September 16 [13 favorites]

You regularly keep dozens of molluscs on hand?

...you don't?

No, I don't have the proper licensing.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:20 AM on September 16 [2 favorites]

bendybendy, that's so weird - I was imagining your childhood home's front door too!
posted by Hermione Dies at 11:24 AM on September 16 [6 favorites]

Look up at a bird, back at the walrus: startled again.

I'm currently in the middle of trying to carve a small soapstone walrus, and I agree that their faces are astoundingly startling...so much so that I've yet to attempt more than the most basic shaping of its head.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:25 AM on September 16 [6 favorites]

I watched this happen on tumblr from the first poll onward and it's been hilarious.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 12:09 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

Nickmark, is this the Daisy Meadows thread? Because Ms. 5 has just discovered those books, and ... wow, they're awful. Like, they're clearly too old to have been written by ChatGPT, but they have a definitely odor of machine generation. Each book is identical to the last. No character has a discernable personality. The parents don't seem to notice when their kids disappear into the woods all day. Nobody ever has any sort of genuine human interaction.

If a Daisy Meadows fairy showed up at my door, I would reach for my flyswatter. So what if we have to live in perpetual mist or whatever? At least we would be free of the inanity.

The walrus, well, there are reasons I don't use Ambien.
posted by novalis_dt at 12:29 PM on September 16 [5 favorites]

Why would Paul McCartney be knocking on my door?
posted by symbioid at 12:54 PM on September 16 [4 favorites]

everyone tagging this as the tooth fairy stop being funnier than me

Oh dear lord yes yes yes yes yes that was everything I could have possibly hoped for.

I am the walrus.

I believe the correct response here is "shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Illanich Uleninov!"
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:54 PM on September 16 [4 favorites]

I take issue with the question. Like, are we talking about a little fairy, maybe 7 inches tall, who is flying around with little fairy wings, or are we talking about what appears to be a normal human person in a fairy costume? If I open the door and see this I am going to assume she's there for a singing telegram or something, and I will be a hell of a lot less surprised than if I would be if I opened the door and saw this!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:10 PM on September 16

The only teason I have for not believing in fairies is the absence of evidence for their existence. The fairy on my doorstep removes that impediment. At that point knocking on my door is as sensible a thing for a fairy to be doing as anything else.

The walrus' presence does nothing to resolve the reasons I don't expect a walrus at my door.
posted by pattern juggler at 1:43 PM on September 16 [5 favorites]

At least it's not the god-forsaken and god-damned jehovah's witnesses.
posted by maxwelton at 1:57 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

I honestly can't decide but I'd like to live in a world where either was possible, versus the one I actually live in.
posted by tommasz at 2:04 PM on September 16 [2 favorites]

Why would Paul McCartney be knocking on my door?

Do me a favor - open the door. Let him in.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:11 PM on September 16 [7 favorites]

Everything is a word and etiquette game with the Faithless Kings. Pass the salt? You've offended them, get a curse. Don't pass the salt? Breach of hospitality, get a curse. Be even in the slightest way rude to them? Oh, you're so getting cursed.

So you're saying that the Fae are neurotypical.
posted by Faint of Butt at 2:15 PM on September 16 [7 favorites]

1. I prefer the term “queer,” thank-you-very-much.
2. While this queer guy doesn’t make it a habit to knock on the doors of strangers, I’d hope you wouldn’t have too much difficulty believing in my existence, should the need arise.
3. At the very least I would hope to be found less startling than a walrus.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 2:35 PM on September 16 [6 favorites]

Metafilter: Be even in the slightest way rude to them? Oh, you're so getting cursed.
posted by zaixfeep at 2:54 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

Which of these would surprise you more to find on the doorstep? Fairy or Walrus?

... You forgot 3) Ed McMahon for the Publisher's Clearinghouse.

I imagine that knock would turn a fair amount of butt-coal into diamonds...
posted by zaixfeep at 2:57 PM on September 16

Especially since he's dead.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:10 PM on September 16

At least it's not the god-forsaken and god-damned jehovah's witnesses.

Or worse, Jehovah's Walruses.
posted by nickmark at 3:18 PM on September 16 [16 favorites]

"The fairy is obviously more surprising because its existence would oblige us to rewrite all of biology and physics" no, it absolutely would not. A fairy on my doorstep is one data point, my guy. Upending one's entire understanding of the universe on the basis of a single isolated observation is not how we do things. Walruses, on the other hand? We know how walruses work, and this isn't it!

You don't know how this walrus works.

I am also surprised by the assertions above that a walrus has no motive for knocking on a door. Not usually, no. But a walrus is reasonably intelligent. I am confident it can be trained to do any number of silly things.

Moreover, we also know damn well how fairies work: they only exist in stories. This is very very well established.

And the assertion that the fairy would not require us to re-evaluate biology and physics seems pretty stupid to me. Is the fairly exactly like a tiny Julia Roberts but with butterfly wings and sprinkles magic dust that allows me to fly? Then yes it absolutely would require a rewrite of everything.
posted by polecat at 3:24 PM on September 16 [3 favorites]

It's either Friday or Sunday, and that Riserva didn't drink itself did it.
posted by winesong at 3:25 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

A fairy knocking on my door means I've made one bad assumption about how the world works; a walrus knocking on my door – in Saskatchewan, in February – means I'm wrong about a great many things.

To say that the fairy is based on one assumption but the walrus on many assumptions is arbitrary and seems designed to bias the conclusion that the walrus is more surprising.
posted by polecat at 3:26 PM on September 16 [2 favorites]

Then yes it absolutely would require a rewrite of everything.

Only if you have a comprehensive idea of everything. Nothing in my knowledge of the world rules out fairies. Nothing about my understanding of the world includes "magic doesn't exist" as a load bearing principle. They don't seem to exist in the real world, but that is a matter of a lack of evidence for them, not any strong logical argument that they cannnot exist from first principles.
posted by pattern juggler at 3:30 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

The faerie could be sufficiently advanced technology. We live in a time of wonders. Which is, on the whole, an escalation of living in interesting times.
posted by chromecow at 3:52 PM on September 16 [2 favorites]

The one day in the year when either actually could happen, which is coming up, by the way, a fairy is hundreds of times more likely than a walrus.

So people who would be more surprised by a walrus are absolutely right to feel that way.
posted by jamjam at 4:00 PM on September 16 [2 favorites]

In other words, if we were to add up all the times either a fairy or a walrus has actually knocked on someone's door, fairies outnumber walruses by hundreds to one.

Fairy is the least surprising by any rational measure.
posted by jamjam at 4:10 PM on September 16

And most of the times it was a walrus were really just Paul McCartney.
posted by jamjam at 4:19 PM on September 16 [2 favorites]

Feels like it’s the “animal” vs “human” element here that is entirely being missed. Fairies look like a person and so the gut feel is that they could reasonably travel to my door. How the hell could a walrus travel to my house.

The question should be like centaur vs walrus or unicorn v walrus and then it’s clearly the former, being both animal and mythical.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:33 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

How the hell could a walrus travel to my house

It could have been carried by a swallow.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:42 PM on September 16 [6 favorites]

What, a swallow carrying a walrus? Are you suggesting the bird would grip it by the tusk?
posted by nickmark at 5:42 PM on September 16 [9 favorites]

You guys all think it's obviously the walrus because the post is framed that way. Not knowing how the poll would go, clicking to check results, and finding out that 80% of the Tumblr user base were willing to at least entertain that a fairy could exist was surprising.
posted by subdee at 6:01 PM on September 16

I would be more surprised by the walrus, and would immediately give him his bukkit.
posted by devichan at 6:06 PM on September 16 [9 favorites]

Or worse, Jehovah's Walruses

What, a swallow carrying a walrus?

bukkit

Friends, I have had a shitty day and this whole conversation has been the thing keeping my head above water. Every time I come back I find three more things that make me giggle uncontrollably. Truly the best of metafilter. I love you all.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:50 PM on September 16 [7 favorites]

Recently, I had close physical encounters with bats, inside my house, and they didn't even have the courtesy to knock.
One flew out of the darkness and hit me in the face and bounced off. I thought I had been hit by a large moth or cicada. I encountered it again in better light.
The other one flew into the living room and circled the room until it bounced off the tv and tumbled under the couch.
Flying creatures, absolutely real, wild animals, so tiny, so adorable, completely uncanny little chirpy voices, and I had to be very careful with them so that neither of us would come to harm.
I would absolutely be more surprised by the fairy.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 7:24 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

finding out that 80% of the Tumblr user base were willing to at least entertain that a fairy could exist was surprising.

That's not quite what the results show, though. The question wasn't "which is more likely", it was "which would be more surprising".

It's logically impossible to square the circle. It isn't logically impossible for ghosts to be real. In an absolute sense, the latter is more probable than the former. But finding out someone had managed to do the logically impossible would be a lot less surprising than finding out there are real, flying, fire breathing lizards.
posted by pattern juggler at 7:50 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

A few months ago I made an off the cuff post about this that got me anonymous hate mail and someone writing my post in calligraphy, which is the duality of Tumblr.
posted by brook horse at 8:43 PM on September 16 [4 favorites]

This seems like a trick question.

I would be most surprised to find myself anywhere near the door if I were naked. And next most surprised to find myself even merely walking around my house naked, no matter what day of the week or what time of day.

With those two unimaginable scenarios baffling my brain, I can't even grok the relative levels of surprise between a fairy or a walrus being at the door.

Oh, wait; does "nothing on" mean "naked" or simply "no current plans or specific activities occurring"?
posted by concinnity at 9:57 PM on September 16 [2 favorites]

Walrus - because the question arises: how the f--- did that walrus knock on the door?

If we're going to assume that the walrus magically learned what a door is, magically learned to knock with it's flipper or some other body part AND magically showed up in Austin, TX, then we might as well also assume that magical fairies exist.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 10:08 PM on September 16 [1 favorite]

Pretty sure a few fairies have already knocked on my door
posted by Jacqueline at 1:35 AM on September 17

Garm: "2) I know what to do if a fairy knocks at my door. I've heard very many stories. I must offer hospitality. I must not make any promises or deals, especially vaguely worded ones. I don't think that would ever happen to me, but I am about as prepared as possible for it happening to me (though I still expect it would end poorly)."

But what if the fairy is a vampire?
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 1:39 AM on September 17

You have nothing on

I'm still trying to decide if the answer changes if I'm wearing clothes.

I am picturing myself entirely naked

Oh, wait; does "nothing on" mean "naked" or simply "no current plans or specific activities occurring"?

Yes! I was thinking about this, and the implications of this, all day and night. To my southern USian American English dialect this means no clothes. In which case I want the fairy.

To a British English speaker I understand it to mean no plans. So I might be clothed, and could better deal with a walrus. But I still think the fairy would be a lot more fun.
posted by Snowishberlin at 4:48 AM on September 17 [1 favorite]

because the question arises: how the f--- did that walrus knock on the door?
Oh my god, I'm so tired of this argument! Nobody has any faith in the walrus's ingenuity! Why couldn't he use his tusk?!
posted by Don Pepino at 4:48 AM on September 17 [2 favorites]

Also how big is the fairy?

Fairy big.
posted by Reverend John at 7:54 AM on September 17 [2 favorites]

i'm slightly concerned by how much of this argument is people fiercely defending their decision to believe in the impossible over the improbable (especially on tumblr, which is famously obsessed with sherlock "once you have ruled out the impossible" holmes). a walrus can be moved from canada to abu dhabi; why not to my doorstep? improbable things happen all the time.
posted by a flock of goslings at 8:01 AM on September 17 [2 favorites]

“The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks. How often have you been presented with an apparently rational explanation of something that works in all respects other than one, which is just that it is hopelessly improbable? Your instinct is to say, 'Yes, but he or she simply wouldn't do that.”
--Douglas Adams

So, of course, Walrus.
posted by jaded at 8:57 AM on September 17 [2 favorites]

Because a fairy, by my definition, is a tiny glowing being with wings flitting around in the air. Like I said, I would have a great many questions, one of the firsts would be, is this a very well done magic trick or hallucination?

The faerie could be sufficiently advanced technology. We live in a time of wonders. Which is, on the whole, an escalation of living in interesting times.

Robot hummingbirds exist. Put it in a costume and you've got a fairy!
posted by achrise at 9:44 AM on September 17

Well, surprise isn’t about the impossible vs the improbable. The improbable is vastly more surprising to the human brain than the impossible—that’s what the whole uncanny valley is about.

If the question were about belief that would be different.
posted by brook horse at 10:16 AM on September 17 [2 favorites]

Lots of animals can knock on doors. A walrus knocking wouldn't be very odd, except that I live like 200 miles from the ocean, and like 30 miles from a zoo.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:36 AM on September 17

If your walrus is knocking, get it checked by a licensed mechanic.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:25 PM on September 17 [1 favorite]

surprise isn’t about the impossible vs the improbable

i really think it is! and so does the framer of this question, apparently. but perhaps the fact that so many others are understanding it differently is why both the question writer and myself are so baffled by anyone who answered "walrus"?

i spent a lot of time wishing magic was real as a kid. if i found out otherwise, against a whole lifetime's worth of expectation, i can't imagine it would be anything less than the shock of my life
posted by a flock of goslings at 1:29 PM on September 17 [1 favorite]

Conceivably coulda hit someone's front door. It satisfies two of the premises perfectly - "You hear a knock" (note: not knocking) and "find on the doorstep"!
posted by achrise at 1:58 PM on September 17

a flock of goslings' comment made me understand something about my own reaction to this. I'd be more surprised by a walrus than a fairy. But I think it's because if honest to Mab fairies were suddenly found to be real (perhaps by one knocking at my door), I'd declassify them as magical and fantastical and accept their reality. For a walrus to show up at my door would take a lot of money, effort, and time on some people's behalf and I would be utterly perplexed why they would do so. I can't see a walrus making an effort to get my door on its own behalf, as I live 50 miles from the ocean and at least 1500 miles from where they live.
posted by mollweide at 2:27 PM on September 17

One does not simply get over the hump of accepting a fairy's existence. Oh my god! It breaks everything, *everything*. It breaks quantum mechanics and relativity. It breaks the lunar landings, the Voyager missions. It breaks the concept of equality among all humankind. It breaks the concept of prayer. For all I know it breaks the concept of a heliocentric solar system and magnets, too, like, what? what??

Statements like this seem to have a very specific belief in what a fairy is -- as if, despite your denial of its possibility, it's a specific real creature in your head -- and that confuses me. I can think of all kinds of explanations for a being we might reasonably call a "fairy" that don't require reevaluating any of those things.
posted by adrienneleigh at 2:56 PM on September 17 [1 favorite]

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