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How Can I Prevent The Guy Who Sits Next To Me At Work From Giving Red Lingerie To Our Colleague In Our Secret Santa Exchange, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Prevent The Guy Who Sits Next To Me At Work From Giving Red Lingerie To Our Colleague In Our Secret Santa Exchange?
My office organizes a Secret Santa. The guy who has the desk next to mine told me today that he got the name of a colleague of ours with whom we eat often, and that as he heard her say once during lunch that it is a tradition in Spain (she is Spanish) to wear red underwear for the new year, he bought her red lingerie. He is quite friendly with her, but I still think it is a terrible idea. He is in his late 40s and married, and she is in her early 30s and single. They are at the same level and they don't work together, so he really sees her as a peer and doesn't agree with me when I tell him that this kind of present is entirely inappropriate. She will have to open it in front of the whole office. Even from a close friend I would not like it, so in a work context I believe it has the potential to become a huge problem. It could damage both of their reputations. I told him what I think and he disagrees with me. What else should I do ? I don't really want to let my colleague get this kind of present at work.
Alison Green encourages the letter writer to warn the Secret Santa organizer and the gift recipient about their colleagues' plans. "Even if they have the kind of friendship where she wouldn't be bothered by the gift, she's going to be opening in front of all her coworkers -- and I doubt she wants that, or that they want that," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Son And Daughter-In-Law To Host Me For Christmas After I Snooped And Confronted Her About Her Health And Finances?
I am a widow with an only child. I have spent Christmas with my son and his now-wife for the past three years.
My son recently told me they would be "putting me up" in a "lovely hotel" this Christmas. Read, "You can't stay with us!" I know this is coming from my daughter-in-law, who overreacted to a minor incident last Christmas.
I had found papers in the guest room desk that indicated: 1. My daughter-in-law is the recipient of a trust fund. (She never told me!!!) 2. The year before they married, she was in the hospital for a serious illness. (She never told me that, either!) The next morning at breakfast, I confronted her about hiding important information from me. She was unnecessarily upset and said I was snooping. I said if you don't want guests to see papers, you shouldn't leave them in the guest room!
My son sided with her. Eventually, that blew over, and we had an okay Christmas.
After my son told me that I had to stay in a hotel, my daughter-in-law sent a fake-nice email saying she was looking forward to seeing me and was sure I would enjoy the hotel with its "festive holiday decorations." They are footing the bill; I'm sure she can afford it with her trust fund.
I feel mistreated. I am furious at my son for taking sides against me and at her for manipulating my son into making me stay at a hotel. How can I get him to stand up to his wife? Doesn't a widow deserve to stay at her only son's home to celebrate Christmas with him?
Carolyn Hax advises the letter writer to admit she behaved badly. "You opened a desk and read private things. Then you mistook things as your business that were plainly not, then spun them into personal offense," she writes. "Then you presumed to blame the victim for your lapse in manners and judgment." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After I Paid For My Sister's Partner's Kids To Join A Family Vacation And They Traded In Their Tickets To Go Somewhere Else?
We made the mistake of trying to be inclusive of the adult kids of my sister's partner. They have been together for about seven years but lived separately to the drama of his high-conflict ex and their kids. We have met the kids a few times and they were not friendly. Their father always claimed that it would be better once they grew up and were out from under their mother's thumb.
They are both in college now and nothing has improved. We offered to include them in our family beach trip this summer. We helped pay for their flights and rented an extra villa for their dad and them. They seemed really excited about it and even emailed me to say thanks.
Then it was radio silence in the weeks coming up to the trip. I was trying to coordinate airline pick-ups and got no help from my sister or her partner. They said the kids would be there and that I needed to chill. Then the kids canceled their flight reservations and used the credit to go somewhere else. We were out thousands of dollars between helping pay for their flights, and renting the extra villa and another rental car. We received no apologies or explanations -- just the excuse that the kids made a mistake with their plans and double booked themselves. Their father paid back a pittance of the money we spent. He doesn't have a very good job. I let it go for the sake of my sister.
We are planning another family trip in January. My sister's partner told me that his kids are so excited to go. I sent him the details but didn't offer to pay again. I won't get fooled more than once. Obviously, he can't afford to pay his own way, let alone for his kids, and he got angry that we weren't offering to foot the bill again. He turned this on my sister by saying that our family has never made him or his kids feel welcomed, and that we are snobs that look down on him and his work. I don't care about anything as long as my sister is happy and respected. That has been few and far between these past seven years. There were a few times, when he was out of work, where she was footing all the bills and he still let his kids speak horribly to her. Still, it wasn't my place to say anything. But when it comes to my wallet, I get to open my mouth. My sister is turning this on me and threatening not to come at all. I love my sister. Is there anything more to say than just, "OK, you will be missed, we will see you once this mess gets figured out"?
Kristin Wong validates the letter writer's choice not to pay for their sister's partner's kids again. "You've been patient and generous, and the lack of respect and accountability from your sister's partner is disappointing," she writes. "You can't keep putting yourself out just to keep the peace." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Boyfriend To Stop Surprising Me By Inviting People Over And Expecting Me To Cook And Clean?
My boyfriend and I recently bought our first house together. It has an outdoor kitchen and other features he really likes. I like it too, but there have been some issues already in the first month or two. Lately, he's been wanting to have BBQs and get-togethers for his family. He invites all these people over who I don't know. I'm not comfortable having people over all the time. He does it to show off the house.
I'm exhausted from all these parties. Although I have expressed to him that I'm not comfortable, he still does it without asking me. I have expressed my feelings and concerns, but he doesn't seem to care. I am a private person and want to enjoy my home. We did have a housewarming party, but he always wants to have more.
I don't know what to do anymore. He gets upset, and I'm always stuck cooking and cleaning. To him, I'm a party pooper and a grump. I just want my voice heard and for him not to be so selfish and a show-off. I also want him to consider my family, too. How do I cope?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren urges the letter writer to tell their boyfriend this situation is intolerable. "A step in the right direction would be to quit playing cook and unpaid maid," she writes. "Your inconsiderate boyfriend knows you don't like doing it, so draw the line." Read the rest of her answer.
Should My Partner And I Include My Stepdaughter On Our Holiday Card Even Though She's Obese And Slovenly?
My 24-year-old stepdaughter, who lives away from home and whom we rarely see, asked to be included on our holiday card. We pay for all her expenses -- including the therapy she goes to many times per month -- except for a small amount of rent and the maintenance on the new car that we bought for her. Yet she is disrespectful and rude to us. She is also obese and slovenly. I have no desire to include her on our beautiful holiday card. Should I reconsider?
James Parker counsels the letter writer to reconsider. "Your stepdaughter is reaching out, asking to be included, and the fact that you find her too unbeautiful to be photographed alongside the rest of your family -- well, that might have something to do with her being in therapy," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Tell My Grandson How Disappointed And Angry I Am That He Used My Given Name On A Thank-You Note?
I gave my 28-year-old grandson and his new wife $500 as a wedding gift. Yesterday, I received their thank-you note: It was laser printed (and signed), and the wording was generic, with no reference to my actual gift. But the real shocker: The note began with my given name -- not the affectionate nickname my grandson has called me his whole life. I can hardly express how disappointed and angry I am that the note was so impersonal. Should I say something, or is this the way things are now?
Philip Galanes discourages the letter writer from making a fuss about changing practices around thank-you notes. "[I]t would be a big mistake to let this cultural shift convince you that your grandson is indifferent to you," he writes. "(Maybe the note began with your given name because his wife wrote it and doesn't know your nickname?)" Read the rest of his answer.
