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How Can I Stop Paying My Roommate's Share Of The Rent Without Her Unleashing A Social Media Mob Against Me, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Stop Paying My Roommate’s Share Of The Rent And Groceries Without Her Unleashing A Social Media Mob Against Me?
My roommate Tiffany lost her job three months ago, and since then, she’s decided that I should cover all the rent and groceries while she “figures things out.” At first, I tried to be understanding because I know unemployment can be stressful, but now it’s clear she’s just taking advantage of me. She hasn’t applied for a single job that I know of, and instead spends her days ordering takeout with my money, binge-watching TV, and posting TikToks about how hard her life is. When I finally got up the nerve to ask her when she planned to start contributing again, she went off on me, calling me selfish, privileged, and clueless about “real struggles.”
Then she threatened to put me on blast on social media if I brought it up again. Tiffany has a decent following online, and I’m terrified she’ll spin some sob story about how I’m a heartless monster kicking her while she’s down. I don’t know how to defend myself if she does that.
The thing is, I can’t keep paying for both of us. I’m barely making ends meet as it is, but every time I try to address the situation, she shuts me down and makes me feel like I’m the bad guy. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I also don’t want to be her doormat anymore. What should I do? Is there a way to handle this without causing a full-blown social media war?
Delia Cai urges the letter writer to prepare themselves for the worst. “For what it’s worth, people with big online followings spend a lot of time worrying about getting cancelled or called out by that following, so she might be bluffing,” she writes. “If you’re truly worried about the social media attacks, you could consult a lawyer about a potential defamation case at hand.” Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Wrong To Share My Mother’s Estate With My Adult Child Instead Of My Husband, Who Did The Exact Same Thing When His Mom Died?
My husband and I both have adult children. This is a second marriage for us both. When my mother-in-law died, my husband was the sole heir and he gave his three children over $100,000 each from the estate. Naturally, none of that money went to my son or grandchildren.
My own mother died peacefully in her sleep and left her property to me. I planned to put the deed half in my name and my son’s. My husband is upset about this. He says it is a slap in the face that I wouldn’t trust him to keep the property. We equally own our home and contribute comfortably to our retirement accounts. I don’t see this as any different from when my mother-in-law died. Her estate was worth much more than my mother’s and he wanted to give the money to his children. I want to make sure my son and grandchildren are taken care of. Am I wrong about this?
Ilyce Glink advises the letter writer to place the house into a trust with their son as a beneficiary. “Sit down with your husband and explain that this isn’t about how much trust you have in him,” she writes. “This is about passing down what your mother built to your son and setting him and his family up for success.” Read the rest of her answer.
Was My Sister-In-Law Right To Be Angry At Me For Leaving Laxatives And Tampons In My Bathroom Cabinets When Her Family Visits?
I have an older home with just one bathroom. I make sure that all personal products are off the counter when we have guests, but we’ve still had people snoop in the medicine cabinet and in the cupboard under the sink.
My teenaged nephew once commented loudly about finding laxatives in the medicine cabinet. Another time, he talked about finding a large box of tampons under the sink.
My sister-in-law, his mother, was angry at me and said we shouldn’t have embarrassing things that guests could find. Should we be editing our medicine cabinet in case guests snoop?
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin counsel the letter writer to booby-trap the medicine cabinet before their nephew comes over. “Alerted by the noise, you can then confront your nephew by asking sympathetically, and publicly, ‘Noah, dear, what were you looking for? Do you have a problem? Do you need some laxatives?’” they write. Read the rest of their answer.
What Should I Do About My Husband’s Refusal To Acknowledge The Possibility Of Bad Things Happening?
My husband and I come from different cultures and also have quite different personalities. We have navigated this pretty successfully for three decades, but there is an issue that has me at a breaking point.
My husband (like his family and many in his culture of origin) does not like to think about a bad thing possibly happening, as it seems to invite the bad thing into life. He will dismiss the possible risks or say there is no point in taking precautions. For instance, his parents refused to childproof their house. Even asking the grandparents to move a block of knives was interpreted as saying they wanted the children to be hurt, which is insulting. Thankfully our kids survived to adulthood.
I take a different approach and try to anticipate and remove hazards. My husband will say he agrees, but then he will undo the precautions when I’m not looking. For instance, our dog just had surgery and the vet said to set up a small recovery pen to keep her from moving too much. It was supposed to be for two weeks. I talked to my husband, and he agreed we’d only take her out of the pen on a leash. Two days after the surgery, I came home and she was off leash and out of the pen, which was open. He said: “There’s nothing I can do. She wants to come out.”
He’s been like this all our time together — to the extent that he will claim a relative with an end-stage terminal illness is “probably going to get better soon.” He comes from a high-context culture, so even if I say “I know you don’t want the bad thing to happen,” he immediately rewrites it into “she is saying I want the bad thing to happen.”
I’ve had no luck asking him to just tell me if he doesn’t plan to abide by my precautions. I am feeling worn down because knowing precautions have been taken reduces my worry about the chances of a bad outcome. It’s a shock to feel that security removed. I’m starting to see this as an issue of not being able to trust him, and that feels toxic to the marriage. And yet each individual incident is so small. Is there anything you can think of that can help me see this differently?
Sahaj Kaur Kohli encourages the letter writer to have a non-confrontational conversation with their husband about the impact of his choices. “[E]xtreme optimism is just denial, and denial is a defense mechanism that protects your husband from having to experience or learn to manage uncomfortable feelings or thoughts,” she writes. “This is not a cultural issue as much as it’s an emotion regulation issue complicated by cultural nuance or superstition.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Respond To My Sister’s Criticism For Letting My Adult Son And His Partner Sleep In The Same Room In Order To Host Her?
Our extended family is gathering to celebrate a dear cousin’s 70th birthday, with people driving and flying in from all over. My husband and I and my two adult sons (plus one son’s girlfriend) plan to meet up in my cousin’s hometown. I reserved three hotel rooms just to be sure we had enough space.
My sister has asked to stay with us so she can save money, and of course I agreed. My husband and I decided to put my husband and one son (he’s 27) in one room, my sister and me in another, and the son and his girlfriend in the third. My son is 23, and the girlfriend is 20. They have been together for over a year.
I am catching a lot of grief from my sister over this plan, as she does not approve of the son and girlfriend sharing a room. She said we were “horrible parents.” My son and his girlfriend didn’t necessarily expect to have a room of their own but were quite happy when I told them what my husband and I had decided.
Our parents have passed away and my sister is all I have for immediate family, so I would like to keep the peace, but I am seething. We have a great relationship with both our adult sons, love them dearly, and also love our younger son’s girlfriend. Any advice for how to preserve the peace?
Carolyn Hax instructs the letter writer to hold firm on the rooming plan and tell their sister they understand if she wants to stay somewhere else. “Your sister is entitled to her opinion, but to voice such a critical one — particularly in the form of an ad hominem attack — while also accepting the gift of your hospitality says she’s socially obtuse at best,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Respond To My Neighbor’s Constant Questions About What I Do Whenever I Leave My House?
I have a neighbor who gossips about our other neighbors. She tells me if a man comes to visit our neighbor across the street and if he spends the night. She's always asking me where they are going and what they are doing. I told her I don't know because I don't pay attention to what other people are doing.
This neighbor has now started calling me if I go out and wants to know where I went. If I go to the doctor, she asks me why. If I have work being done at my home, she asks how much I paid for it. If I'm out more than a few hours, she asks where I was for so long.
I am a private person, and I will tell someone if I want them to know. She even comes outside and starts pulling weeds if I have company. I don't know how to deal with her.
Abigail Van Buren suggests warning their across-the-street neighbor about this neighbor’s gossip. “Deal with this nosy woman by telling her if it was any of her business, she would already know the answer to her incessant, intrusive questions,” she writes. “Avoid her as much as possible.” Read the rest of her answer.
