My size gave me an advantage most women don’t have
June 24, 2025 12:09 AM Subscribe
For many of us, our size is how we pattern ourselves, and its influence affects us psychologically along with other markers like our class and cultural background, our race and our gender identity. This is especially true for women whose bodies are constantly scrutinized and judged in a way men’s bodies aren’t. To be a tall woman is to be a big woman, and to be big is to take up space, a cultural no-no for women of all sizes who are taught early on to cede space while men are encouraged to take up as much room as possible. God forbid, I might get bigger, I told myself when I hit six-foot-two at twelve. from Standing Tall: On the Value and Importance of Women Who Take Up Space [LitHub]
An excerpt from Susan Swan's book Big Girls Don't Cry [The Walrus]
An excerpt from Susan Swan's book Big Girls Don't Cry [The Walrus]
It's only anecdata, but my observations of my own friends and family reinforces what the author is saying. The 6-foot+ tall women I know take absolutely no shit from anyone, in part because they can flip the script and glower downwards at men who are used to being able to passively intimidate women. My grandmother, at 6'1", was a soft-spoken home economics teacher, but god help the man who tried to pick on her family. My sister, at six feet even, wrestled in high school and has been known to execute the odd takedown on someone trying to get fresh with her. (She also wears high-heeled boots to board meetings, I think because she enjoys the reaction from execs who are unexpectedly dwarfed by a woman) A friend of my wife's, at an astonishing 6'3", has never raised her voice within my earshot, but radiates a sort of Valkyrie aura so fierce that her classrooms full of middle-school boys are too much in constant fear/awe to ever misbehave.
Anyway: yay for tall women subtly fucking with the patriarchy!
posted by Mayor West at 6:05 AM on June 24 [9 favorites]
Anyway: yay for tall women subtly fucking with the patriarchy!
posted by Mayor West at 6:05 AM on June 24 [9 favorites]
I've always hated being short and wanted to be tall. I really had a shot at it too; most of my female relatives in my parents' generation are over 5'9". But I got to 5'2" and just stopped short. I try not to think too much about the life I'd have if I took up more space. I think I would have lived it pretty differently.
posted by potrzebie at 7:29 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]
posted by potrzebie at 7:29 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]
Thank you. And a related essay: I Am Very Tall, by Benjamin Markovits (male; 6'6"), also with reflections on how his height shaped his life.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:44 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:44 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]
I think when she was young, being tall wasn’t considered attractive but supermodels changed that world view. Jerry Hall didn’t seem to have much trouble attracting shorter, rich men—same for Karlie Kloss, Sigourney Weaver, Brooke Shields, Elle Macpherson—the list goes on.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:55 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 7:55 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]
I enjoyed the contrast between the experiences of Smiley and Swan. Myself, I'm average height for a woman (5'5") but most people think I'm much shorter, I think because of my proportions (large head somehow conveys smaller size). I have had people argue with me about my height, and even measuring themselves against me didn't persuade them completely. The funny thing is, I always felt even taller than I actually am, until my kid reached their adult height of 5'10" and I realized I was relatively small.
The comment about writers being outsiders conflates correlation with causation, I think.
posted by Peach at 8:04 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]
The comment about writers being outsiders conflates correlation with causation, I think.
posted by Peach at 8:04 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]
I'm 6'8", but my older brother is an inch taller and fifty pounds heavier, which has always given me a certain...enforced humility about my own height that has served me rather well. It has always been strange to me to receive praise for this thing which I had little to do with (other than continuing to eat, I suppose), and which is not without its downsides (fitting in vehicles, on beds, into clothes, through standard doorways, in showers, at workstations, involuntarily scaring the hell out of bystanders if you appear in their vision too suddenly or at night or even at all.) The "folding up to pass as shorter" part of "I Am Very Tall" resonates with me very well, although a lot of that is mediated by body type as well--when I hit 6'8" I weighed about 175 pounds.
It certainly seems far less commonly praised for women. My mother (6', bills herself as 5'11.5") definitely seemed to enjoy it when I passed her at age 13 or so and she became the shortest one in my family, and has remarked how glad she was she didn't have daughters. I do sometimes wonder how tall my daughter will get, but I'll think she's awesome whatever height she attains.
posted by Earthtopus at 8:07 AM on June 24 [6 favorites]
It certainly seems far less commonly praised for women. My mother (6', bills herself as 5'11.5") definitely seemed to enjoy it when I passed her at age 13 or so and she became the shortest one in my family, and has remarked how glad she was she didn't have daughters. I do sometimes wonder how tall my daughter will get, but I'll think she's awesome whatever height she attains.
posted by Earthtopus at 8:07 AM on June 24 [6 favorites]
I'm not even that tall (5'10 in American money, average height for a guy from my cohort) but it's been interesting to observe how I feel in various societies. Even in my country it's changed over the years because average height shot up as nutrition improved - there's an average of 8cm between my grandmother's generation and mine (and 12 cm between me and her). This levelled out starting with elder Millennials so I'm no longer always seeing over the top of people's heads, but there's an instinctive solidarity with any femme I see who's taller than me. This feels completely different in the Netherlands (omg I'm average there) vs Japan (again average guy height for my generation but older people are even more noticeably shorter than in Poland). The more I differ from local norm, the clumsier I feel, but also safer. This intersects with gender feelings in a fascinating way, not to mention the gender I'm clocked as by other people and the kind of gender performance I need for others to perceive me as I want them to. In particular the presence of multiple men a head taller than me (again the Netherlands and Scandinavia) is so very weird.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 8:33 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]
posted by I claim sanctuary at 8:33 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]
Growing up tall basically allowed me to opt out of traditional challenges to my masculinity; it's hard to imply you're more than a guy who's 6 inches taller than you. Really hammers home how much performance of gender roles for men just comes down to performance of dominance.
posted by Reyturner at 9:34 AM on June 24 [8 favorites]
posted by Reyturner at 9:34 AM on June 24 [8 favorites]
Physical safety aside … I’ve actually always thought that it’s tiny women who can get away with saying anything. A nearly 6 ft friend of mine tells of gesturing too forcefully in a group of men (picture foot on chair, elbow on knee), and seeing them all flinch back.
posted by anshuman at 9:42 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]
posted by anshuman at 9:42 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]
I'm perennially jealous of tall ladies, they seem to feel the same about short ones.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:43 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:43 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]
El césped es más verde del otro lado
posted by y2karl at 9:57 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]
posted by y2karl at 9:57 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]
I am a relatively tall woman (5'9") and my dad's side is all tall so I fit in on that side. I did not like being tall as a teenager. I was very skinny and felt self-conscious. it was the 80s and I HATED should pads!!! do not embiggen me!!! I would cut them out every time.
but as I moved into adulthood and came to understand 1) the psychological advantage I felt at being the same size as the average us male, safer, more able to take up space and hold it 2) the experiences smaller women have, goddess forbid you are cute! I have never had a strange man walk up to me at a party and just pick me up. enjoy your back going out, lol.
so I have come to very much appreciate being tall, but I am "normal" tall. clothes mostly fit, and I can find them. I have a friend who is 6'. hardly freakish. but we have talked about the difficulty of finding pants that are long enough, shirts with sleeves that cover our wrist bones. It happens, but it's always exciting. thankfully my shoe size never got bigger than 10.
I now actively seek to take up space, in a way I did not in my earlier adulthood, entirely to push back against the "norm" that women should shrink and accommodate and disappear. I will take up space, be loud, not get out of the way for men who think they own the sidewalk. I have 170 pounds to put up against you, bro. I'm old, so you won't find it exciting when I collide with you at 3m/hour.
posted by supermedusa at 10:21 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]
but as I moved into adulthood and came to understand 1) the psychological advantage I felt at being the same size as the average us male, safer, more able to take up space and hold it 2) the experiences smaller women have, goddess forbid you are cute! I have never had a strange man walk up to me at a party and just pick me up. enjoy your back going out, lol.
so I have come to very much appreciate being tall, but I am "normal" tall. clothes mostly fit, and I can find them. I have a friend who is 6'. hardly freakish. but we have talked about the difficulty of finding pants that are long enough, shirts with sleeves that cover our wrist bones. It happens, but it's always exciting. thankfully my shoe size never got bigger than 10.
I now actively seek to take up space, in a way I did not in my earlier adulthood, entirely to push back against the "norm" that women should shrink and accommodate and disappear. I will take up space, be loud, not get out of the way for men who think they own the sidewalk. I have 170 pounds to put up against you, bro. I'm old, so you won't find it exciting when I collide with you at 3m/hour.
posted by supermedusa at 10:21 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]
That was a great interview. Love it when writers interview other writers. I know Smiley only from 13 Ways of Looking at a Novel, which is a fine read. Thanks for this chavenet. Also, this little excerpt from the interview was hilarious:
"In December of ’69, Yale invited some Vassar girls to come to New Haven for a week and go to classes to experiment with coeducation. I enjoyed it, and then, in the Yale Daily News, I saw a picture of the center on the basketball team, on one knee, next to a ball, and smiling. He was so handsome that I couldn’t resist looking for him. Someone told me his college and room number, and I went and knocked on the door. When he opened it, I said, “Hi! I’m your new girlfriend!” and walked into the room. And it turned out that he hadn’t dated anyone, either, so it was the perfect way for both of us to come to understand relationships and love. "
posted by storybored at 10:32 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]
"In December of ’69, Yale invited some Vassar girls to come to New Haven for a week and go to classes to experiment with coeducation. I enjoyed it, and then, in the Yale Daily News, I saw a picture of the center on the basketball team, on one knee, next to a ball, and smiling. He was so handsome that I couldn’t resist looking for him. Someone told me his college and room number, and I went and knocked on the door. When he opened it, I said, “Hi! I’m your new girlfriend!” and walked into the room. And it turned out that he hadn’t dated anyone, either, so it was the perfect way for both of us to come to understand relationships and love. "
posted by storybored at 10:32 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]
but as I moved into adulthood and came to understand 1) the psychological advantage I felt at being the same size as the average us male, safer, more able to take up space and hold it 2) the experiences smaller women have, goddess forbid you are cute! I have never had a strange man walk up to me at a party and just pick me up. enjoy your back going out, lol.
One of my partners was just over 5’ and had been a cheerleader in college. During a basketball game with UCLA, in which she had been leading a kind of slow, arrhythmic ‘dribble, dribble, pa-ass' cheer, the future Kareem Abdul Jabbar ran over to her, shouted ‘YOU!’, picked her up with one hand under each of her arms, held her at his eye level and yelled at her to 'SHUT UP!' as the crowd went absolutely ballistic with booing and her cheer partner jumped up and down ineffectually and screamed at him to 'put her down!'.
He was assessed a technical foul and the game went on, but he apologized to her after the game and a local newspaper did a story about the incident accompanied by a picture in which both of them are smiling at the camera and he is resting his right elbow on top of her head.
Oh how I wish I could have seen all that!
posted by jamjam at 11:29 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]
One of my partners was just over 5’ and had been a cheerleader in college. During a basketball game with UCLA, in which she had been leading a kind of slow, arrhythmic ‘dribble, dribble, pa-ass' cheer, the future Kareem Abdul Jabbar ran over to her, shouted ‘YOU!’, picked her up with one hand under each of her arms, held her at his eye level and yelled at her to 'SHUT UP!' as the crowd went absolutely ballistic with booing and her cheer partner jumped up and down ineffectually and screamed at him to 'put her down!'.
He was assessed a technical foul and the game went on, but he apologized to her after the game and a local newspaper did a story about the incident accompanied by a picture in which both of them are smiling at the camera and he is resting his right elbow on top of her head.
Oh how I wish I could have seen all that!
posted by jamjam at 11:29 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]
I'm pretty sure KAJ could pick me up. I have a friend who is 6'11" and we have a verbally certified, clear understanding that he is allowed to pick up me, which he can. (mr supermedusa is barely 5'11" and weighs about 15lb more than me, so he's never going to throw me around like a ragdoll).
posted by supermedusa at 12:33 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]
posted by supermedusa at 12:33 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]
A few years ago a dear friend then living in Bangkok invited me for a visit. It would have been a big trip so we discussed it at length.
At one point I mentioned that when I travel I try to honor local customs and keep a low profile. My friend suddenly went quiet.
“Oh dear—I’m afraid you’d be a giant here.” (I am 5’9”)
We did not discuss the trip any further.
posted by kinnakeet at 2:13 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]
At one point I mentioned that when I travel I try to honor local customs and keep a low profile. My friend suddenly went quiet.
“Oh dear—I’m afraid you’d be a giant here.” (I am 5’9”)
We did not discuss the trip any further.
posted by kinnakeet at 2:13 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]
I didn't feel weird in Thailand but it was hard to find stuff that fit me. I had to buy Chinese slippers in men's size.
posted by supermedusa at 5:03 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]
posted by supermedusa at 5:03 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]
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SS: I also felt safer and threw several men who assaulted me against the wall.
A while ago my favorite cousin came to town for a visit and we were catching up. I had just bought a house, and he had visited me through a few of my previous apartments in other neighborhoods around Chicago, and he asked me why I keep picking neighborhoods that are 90+% Mexican. And at the time I hadn't really thought about it that much, it was more that when I went to look at the place it's where I felt most comfortable. And then I realized it's because I'm taller than most of the men. That's why. No wonder.
And I'm just "normal tall" at 5'7" and the shortest person in my family. I also wear chunky shoes a lot because I love being tall and taking up space. It's so nice. For feeling safe(r), for reaching things, for being present in the world.
If I could do it all over again I'd be 6' tall. And born into generational wealth but that's a wish for another day.
posted by phunniemee at 4:52 AM on June 24 [16 favorites]