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Can I Renege On My Promise To Donate Some Of The Proceeds Of My Book To An Animal Shelter, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Can I Renege On My Promise To Donate Some Of The Proceeds Of My Book To An Animal Shelter, Since I Feel Unsupported By Them?
I’m a newly published children’s book author and pet advocate. After my book was published, I approached a local shelter informing them I would be donating a portion of book sales to their shelter. In return, they were going to promote my book.
I presumed it would be a win-win for both parties.
A month went by before a post went out on social media. A month later, the same post ended up in their emailed newsletter. Nothing more was sent.
Later, I graciously offered to donate 10 of my books for a raffle. They were excited.
The following day I was told due to the number of raffle baskets, there wasn’t any room to hold flyers with my bio or QR codes for my book. I explained, since the event was sold out, this would be a great opportunity to offer the flyers to those who would want to buy one of my books. A portion of the proceeds would be going back to them. I never heard back.
I was upset because I felt they didn’t support me like I was supporting them. I’ve since severed my relationship with them. As far as the proceeds, I sold all the books due to my marketing. They didn’t contribute in any way. I’m considering not donating these proceeds because of their lack of support.
R. Eric Thomas observes that the letter writer presented the contribution as a donation, not a partnership. “A shelter is not a marketing agency,” he writes. “If you care about the actual work that the shelter does, and want to see it continue, you should make good on your promise to donate.” Read the rest of his answer.
What Should I Have Done When My Company Photoshopped Makeup Onto Headshots Of All Of Its Female Employees?
A few years ago, I was working in finance for a small trading firm and the managing partners hired two photographers to come in and take headshots that would be displayed on the company website. When we got the proofs back a few weeks later, makeup had been Photoshopped on all of the women, even my co-worker who had hired a makeup artist to do her makeup before the shoot. And it was really obvious — think bright pink blush on our cheeks, blue eyeshadow, the works. It was so badly done that it would have been funny if I hadn’t felt such a strong sense of embarrassment and anger.
I was so stunned at the time that I didn’t say anything, but what the heck does one do when something like this happens? This still bothers me years later because it seems so sexist and such an overstep of boundaries on behalf of the photographers.
Alison Green agrees that this was an inappropriate overstep. “It’s one thing to even out blotchiness, remove shine, or clean up fly-away hairs, but adding obvious makeup without the explicit OK of the people being photoshopped is bizarre and not OK,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get Rid Of My Son’s Girlfriend Of 13 Years?
I hate my son’s girlfriend of 13 years. They are high school sweethearts who are now 30 and talking about buying property and eventually starting a family together. He currently lives at home and helps pay my mortgage, among other things. If he leaves, I will be forced to sell the house and adjust to a new lifestyle. I feel she will keep me away from my son when they move out. I have tried everything to split them apart and often make her feel unwelcome in my home and talk about her negatively to almost anyone who will listen. I even make her bring her own food when she stays here. Why can’t she just get the point that no one wants her here and move on!? What else can I do to get rid of her?
Jenée Desmond-Harris advises the letter writer to ask her son and his girlfriend for a fresh start. “I can see that you love your son very much and want to have as much contact with him as possible, and I can offer a tip that might help you get there,” she writes. “To get what you want, you have to pretend to be a kind and sensible human.” Read the rest of her answer.
Shouldn’t Our Vegetarian Friends Cook Meat When They Invite Us Over For Dinner?
We have vegetarian and vegan friends. Over the years, when we have invited them over for a celebration, we (omnivores) always make sure to include dishes that they will enjoy. But when they invite guests for dinner, they never — ever — include a meat dish, not even a piece of chicken.
I have asked around and, apparently, that's the experience of everyone. Don't you think a little reciprocity is in order? As it is, the hospitality rule seems decidedly one-sided. If the vegans worry about (to them) inedible leftovers, they can always provide a doggy bag for their guests.
Abigail Van Buren points out that many vegetarians don’t want meat in their kitchens. “If, in addition to what they provide, you feel the need to consume animal protein, consume some before you go to their home or afterward,” she writes. “If this does not suit you, respond to their invitation with polite regrets.” Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Out Of Line To Tell My Friend That I’m Getting Divorced Because My Husband Had An Affair, Which Is True?
My husband of 20-plus years has been having an affair with a woman he says he is in love with, and after being granted some time to “decide what he wants,” he has decided what he wants is the other woman.
We are just at the beginning of sorting out a divorce, and friends have expressed shock at the end of our “perfect” (ha!) marriage. When a mutual friend recently asked what happened, I told her the truth: He’s been having an affair and decided he wants to be with the other woman.
My husband is livid and told me that it isn’t anyone’s business but ours. Was I out of line by answering with a direct and non-editorialized truth? If so, what should I say when people ask?
Carolyn Hax rules that the letter writer’s husband has no standing to control her narrative. “You’re under no obligation to cover for him,” she writes. “It also isn’t anyone’s business, so you’re under no obligation to satisfy curiosities if you don’t want to, and are welcome to find your most comfortably civil way not to answer such an intrusive question.” Read the rest of her answer.
Was It Rude For My 9-Year-Old Daughter To Fail To Eat Everything On Her Plate When She Had Dinner At A Friend’s House?
My 9-year-old daughter recently went over to her friend’s house for a playdate. She was so excited to spend time with her friend, and everything seemed fine when I dropped her off. However, when I went to pick her up, her friend’s mom pulled me aside and made a comment that really caught me off guard. She criticized my parenting style, specifically how my daughter behaved at dinner. Apparently, my daughter didn’t finish all of the food on her plate, and the mom felt that was incredibly rude and a sign of poor manners. She went on to say that in their household, children are expected to eat everything they’re served and suggested I should be more strict at home to instill better manners in my child.
I was honestly shocked. My daughter is generally polite, but like most kids, she can be picky sometimes — especially when she’s at someone else’s house. I’ve never forced her to eat food she doesn’t like, and I don’t see this as a major issue. I was taken aback by the mom’s approach and felt judged, but I didn’t know how to respond in the moment. Was this mom out of line, or am I missing something about how my daughter should behave when she’s a guest in someone’s home?
Harriette Cole encourages the letter writer to push back against the friend’s mother’s criticism. “Had your daughter misbehaved by saying something rude, physically hurting someone, cursing or doing something else egregious, I could see why the mom would need to call you out on it,” she writes. “But reprimanding you because your child didn’t eat every morsel on her plate seems extreme.” Read the rest of her answer.
