The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only -- please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

How Can I Tell My Husband A Secret I've Held For 28 Years

^{[Image credit: lil artsy]}

We have two children — a 27-year-old son and a 30-year-old daughter — and four grandchildren. We have been married for 32 years.

I want to keep this as short as possible, but I am so scared of what will happen to our lives now that this secret has come out.

My son came to see me a week ago. My husband was at work. We sat down, and I knew something was wrong. I was concerned for him. I told him to just tell me what the problem was, and we would sort through it together.

He said he didn’t know how to start, so he would just put it all on the table and see what I had to say.

I was growing very concerned at this point, never imagining what he would tell me could destroy our lives.

My son told me he had taken an ancestry DNA test because, like his dad, he was interested in genealogy. He wanted his kids to know where they came from and their family history.

I still hadn’t clicked. I thought maybe it came back with a medical issue and expressed my thoughts. “No, Mom,” he said. “That’s not the problem. The problem is that Dad has no common DNA.”

I started shaking and went into shock. He asked if his dad knew. I told him no — I didn’t know until now.

The secret I had kept for 28 years was no longer a secret. I knew my son could have been the result of a mistake I made early in my marriage, but when he was born, he looked so much like my husband and me that I dismissed it and convinced myself he was his.

The mistake — the bad choice — happened when my husband and I were going through a tough time. He was working long hours, and we were struggling to save for a down payment on a house.

We were also trying for a second child. One of my husband’s friends was going through a breakup, and we were trying to be supportive. My husband was at work, and his friend and I were drinking and talking about life. We got drunk and had sex. I can’t even remember it, and the next morning we were both mortified and vowed never to bring it up again.

It was such a long time ago, I can barely remember it.

I dismissed it as a one-time mistake and have never been tempted to cheat again. Well, I got pregnant, and here we are.

My husband is such a loving man, and our marriage has always been strong.

My son wants me to tell him, as my husband will find out soon enough through Ancestry.

How do I proceed? I am horrified that this is going to destroy my husband and my entire family. I know I was in the wrong back then, but I can’t erase it. The hurt we are all going to go through is unimaginable.

My husband hasn’t found out yet, but I have to tell him before he does.

Maybe they were too young when they got married, and now they're too old to throw it all away. I know she lied, and medieval punishment sounds too light. I also know that he's got a right to be mad, maybe even grounds for divorce. I just hope they can both find closure on this dark chapter that has unfortunately reopened for them. Read the rest of the thread here.

Now I Just Want To Can Our Romantic Trip

^{[Image credit: LT Chan]}

I (27M) and my girlfriend (26F) have been planning this trip in our minds for a while. It was supposed to be a getaway, just the two of us, to relax and spend some quality time together. Both of us have been overloaded at work, and this was our chance to step back from all that and actually spend time together when we weren’t exhausted. I’ve tried to make this the perfect vacation for her, even picking up extra shifts to cover the costs.

Everything was great until a few days ago, when she casually mentioned she was bringing a friend from work (25F) along. That was a bit of a shock to me, since we never talked about bringing anyone along—I thought it would just be us. Her friend is nice, but we don’t have much in common, and I know it would definitely change the tone of the vacation.

She told me her friend had been going through a tough time with her family and just needed a break. I understand that, and of course, I’d like to accommodate her as much as possible, but it feels weird that my girlfriend didn’t tell me before inviting her friend. We’d have to change some of our plans. I mentioned that to her, and she got a bit defensive.

Finally, I said I think we should cancel the trip, because honestly, it’s just not what we had planned.

It would feel weird to spend what was supposed to be a romantic getaway with a third wheel. She thinks I’m being selfish and says it’s no big deal for her friend to join us. She also guilt-tripped me, saying I’ve gone out with my friends without checking in with her, but that’s different, because I wasn’t on a trip that was supposed to be just for us, right?

I told her that if we canceled the trip, we could stay behind and help her friend out with her family. I’m trying to accommodate her wants and needs, but she says I’m just trying to avoid a conversation—one I didn’t know we needed to have.

I don’t want to be an asshole, but none of my concerns are being considered either. So, AITA for wanting to cancel this vacation because she invited someone without asking me first?

I think it’s a real red flag when the person trying to guilt trip him into getting out of a romantic trip is the partner in question. Am I the only one who thinks that this was the two girls' plan all along, conning him into paying for their ultimate girls trip? They’re not starting a Vegas residency, I’m not understanding why this friend just can’t wait till they get back for some girl talk. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Husband Let Me Down At My Most Vulnerable Moment

^{[Image credit: Darius Krause]}

This happened two months ago, but it’s still causing major friction in my family, so I need some outside opinions.

I (29F) and my husband, “Jake” (32M), have been together for six years, married for three. We were both ecstatic when we found out we were expecting our first child. Pregnancy was tough for me—I had severe morning sickness, gestational diabetes, and was generally miserable. But Jake was supportive and sweet the whole way through, which made it bearable.

As we got closer to my due date, we discussed birth plans. I was adamant that I wanted Jake in the delivery room. I needed his support, and he’d always agreed. However, a few weeks before my due date, Jake started acting strange. He was distant, distracted, and wouldn’t engage in any baby-related discussions. I thought he was just anxious about becoming a dad, so I didn’t press him too much.

The day I went into labor, Jake drove me to the hospital but seemed off. He was quiet and kept checking his phone. When we got there, he pulled the nurse aside and spoke to her privately. She came back and told me Jake wouldn’t be in the delivery room because he was “uncomfortable with blood and medical procedures.” I was stunned. He’d never mentioned this before. I begged him to stay, told him I needed him, but he just kept saying, “I can’t do this.”

I was heartbroken and furious, but I didn’t have much time to dwell on it as my contractions were getting stronger. Jake said he’d be in the waiting room and kissed me on the forehead before leaving. I was left alone, crying and feeling utterly abandoned.

Labor was long, painful, and traumatic. I was alone the entire time except for the medical staff. When our son was finally born, I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. The nurse handed me my son, and all I felt was a deep sadness that Jake wasn’t there to share this moment.

After I was taken to a recovery room, I asked the nurse to get Jake. She came back and said he’d left the hospital hours ago. I couldn’t believe it. I called him repeatedly, but he didn’t answer. Finally, I sent him a text saying I was done and he could find his own way home.

I didn’t see him until the next day. He showed up at the hospital with flowers and an apology, saying he’d panicked and needed some air. He claimed he’d gone home to shower and change and fell asleep, which I didn’t buy for a second.

I told him I didn’t believe him. I was overwhelmed with anger and hurt, and I told him he had let me down in the worst possible way. He kept apologizing, saying he knew he’d messed up and he’d do anything to make it right.

I didn’t want him near me or our son at that moment, so I asked him to leave. He tried to protest, but I told him I needed time to process everything. He left, and I spent the rest of my hospital stay alone with my baby, trying to grapple with the enormity of what had happened.

Since then, Jake has been trying to make amends. He’s been taking parenting classes, attending therapy, and is constantly trying to be present and supportive. But I can’t shake the feeling of betrayal. He abandoned me at one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. Every time I look at him, I remember being alone in that delivery room, terrified and in pain, wondering why the person who promised to be by my side wasn’t there.

My family is split. Some think I’m being too hard on Jake, that he made a mistake and is clearly remorseful. They say he’s a good father and partner otherwise, and I should focus on moving forward for the sake of our child. Others think what he did was unforgivable and I should leave him. They believe I’ll never truly trust him again, and that’s no foundation for a marriage.

I’m torn. I still love him, and I know he loves me and our son. But part of me wonders if I’ll ever get over this. Was it just a moment of weakness on his part, or a sign of something deeper that I can’t overlook?

So, am I the asshole for leaving him at the hospital and now considering leaving him for good?

Sounds like he really struggles with anxiety, and this unfortunately did not pair well with the miscommunication. He’s going to have to live with this regret for the rest of his life, and it’s a good sign he’s actively working on it rather than making up excuses or seeking pity. Might be worth giving a second chance if he keeps it all up. Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image: AINNNEK]