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Why Is My Teen Daughter so Upset That I Carved A Hole In Her Bedroom Door To Keep An Eye On Her And Her Boyfriend, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Why Is My Teen Daughter so Upset That I Carved A Hole In Her Bedroom Door To Keep An Eye On Her And Her Boyfriend?
I have a 15-year-old daughter, “Hayley.” For at least the past few months, Hayley’s been seeing this guy at her school, “Brian.” she’s invited him over a few times (to my house; her father and I are not together), and he’s been well-behaved. still, teenagers being teenagers, I made it clear that he could either stay in the public areas of the house, or, if he did go into her room, the door stayed open to make sure nothing untoward happened.
Teenagers being teenagers, they ignored me. I made them open the door. A few days later, they closed it again, and again I made them open the door. This kept happening. Finally, one day when I was working at home and Hayley was at school, I put a hole in the door to her room so I could look in when she had Brian over.
she had a huge tantrum when she got home and saw what I’d done. I tried to explain to her that this was the consequence of her repeatedly ignoring my instructions/rules, but she wouldn’t even engage with me. she just grabbed some things from her room and stormed off. I assumed she’d just walked off in a huff and was heading to a friend’s house, but when she didn’t return for hours, I called her father. It turned out that she had called for an Uber and traveled across town to his apartment. He was even colder than usual and said he was filing for a custody revision and didn’t want to communicate except through our lawyers. Hayley has refused to speak to me since.
This has spiraled way out of control. I don’t understand why she’s being so dramatic about this. Her father won’t even let Brian visit at his place — or at least he didn’t as of the last time I spoke with him. I don’t know why she’s gotten like this all of a sudden. Is there any option here except to wait it out?
Michelle Herman sides with Hayley. “What you did was creepy and weird,” she writes. “It’s one thing for a parent to set a clear boundary and a consequence for its crossing; it’s another to invade what an adolescent rightfully considers her private space.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Parents To stop Taking My Video Calls When They’re On The Toilet?
My parents grew up in an era pre-answering machine or voicemail, where getting a phone call was a big deal and you dropped everything to take the call just in case it was important.
At least back in the day, the phone was connected to the wall, so I didn’t run into this problem — but thanks to smartphones and caller ID, my parents take their devices everywhere and answer every call I make, wherever they are. Including FaceTime on the toilet.
This has happened a lot. For years, I’ve told them — particularly Mom — they can let calls go to voicemail and finish what they are doing, but they see it as rude to let my call go to voicemail. I keep telling myself that someday, I will miss her quirks.
Carolyn Hax encourages the letter writer to tell their parents they will end any video call if they see a toilet. “If they are well-enough equipped to have formed some new habits, then preface each call to them with a text,” she writes. “Certainly, for the love of all that is holy, you can place a regular voice call first to find out whether it is safe for you to FaceTime.” Read the rest of her answer.
What should I Do About My Daughter’s Rage After Her Father Told Her The Color Of The Icing On Her Gender Reveal Cake?
My daughter is pregnant with her first (and most likely) only child. she and her partner don’t have a great relationship, but she has chosen to move forward with the pregnancy. Her father and I are supportive. Today, he and I picked up a cake that her friend had made to use for the gender reveal tomorrow. As we were driving home, we were on the phone with our daughter when her father mentioned “blue writing” that he saw beneath lid of cake box, accidentally revealing the gender.
My daughter was livid and inconsolable. she said she didn’t want him coming to her home, and called him a stupid idiot. After dropping off her father, I went to her to try and console her. I’m writing this at midnight as she finally fell asleep (her partner is out of town and she is unlikely to tell him what happened).
I’ve been her punching bag for the last 9 hours with her unloading all her resentment on us and asking how could her parents, people who are “supposed to love her” let this happen. I don’t know how to move forward.
Hillary Frey advises the letter writer to try to find out what’s going on with their daughter after the gender reveal party. “see if you can lead her to opening up about her feelings, before you talk about yours,” she writes. “she may even get to a place where she can untangle why she let loose on you and her dad in such hurtful ways.” Read the rest of her answer.
Is My Husband Entitled To Harangue Me To Dye My Hair Because My Grays Allegedly Make Him Feel Old?
My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have what I consider to be a happy marriage. My question concerns ongoing conversations we have been having about my hair color. The first couple of years we were together, my hair was gray, and then I dyed it red. While I know he loved it, I did it for one reason: I wanted to avoid aging myself unnecessarily in the workplace. My husband knew this.
Two years ago, now retired, I decided to stop coloring my hair. since then, he continually mentions that he wants me to return to red hair. I have told him repeatedly that I'm unwilling to do that. He says he loved me so much when I was a redhead (does that mean he loves me less now?) and that my "going gray" has made HIM feel old.
I am dismayed and annoyed by his continuing campaign to have me color my hair again, and I have said so. He even brings it up in front of our friends, which feels to me as though he's trying to gather outside support for his argument. I LIKE my gray hair.
It saddens me that my husband finds me less attractive or that my gray hair may be the reason he "feels old," but I wonder why my hair color choice bears that burden of responsibility. Isn't it rightfully my choice? I wouldn't dream of directing him about how to wear his hair. Your thoughts?
Abigail Van Buren validates the letter writer’s right to control her hair color. “This shouldn't be a power struggle, which it appears it has turned into,” she writes. “If he ‘feels old’ when he sees gray hair, perhaps coloring his own hair would make him feel younger.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get The Woman Who Pursued My Husband 10 Years Ago To stop Loudly Asking Our Pastor To Pray For Me At Church?
A woman, "Patty," who pursued my husband 10 years ago, attends church with me. During this time, my husband alerted me to her efforts, and it culminated with her answering her home's front door in only a towel. Patty had called him to pick something up. My husband, fearing her aggressive flirting, demanded I come with him. so instead of my husband, I was standing there when she answered the door. I remarked at the time, "I apologize for interrupting your naked time." I also apologized to my husband for minimizing his concerns about Patty.
Ten years later, I have gone out of my way to forgive her for the past, and I am openly friendly and kind to her. However, recently, I've suspected she is bringing me up during the church prayer request time when I am not in attendance. The pastor of our small church asks the congregation who they would like to pray for, and first names are shouted out. I have witnessed her shouting my first name when I watch the church service online. My name is not common. I have had a couple people ask if I am OK. Patty has not shouted my name when I attend in person. should I continue with no response and be friendly, or should I address it in some way?
Annie Lane commends the letter writer for forgiving Patty. “If you feel up to it, confront ‘Patty’ kindly but directly about these public prayer shoutouts,” she writes. “This shows her you're aware of what she's doing even if you're not in person at these services, but it also allows an opportunity for you two to officially clear the air after a decade of awkwardness.” Read the rest of her answer.
Isn’t My Close Friend Wrong To Wear A White Dress To Her Upcoming Wedding, since she’s Been Married Before?
I have a close friend who is getting married, for the third time, later this year. In between her marriages, she has had lengthy relationships with other men.
I’m OK with all of that, except for one thing: she is treating this third marriage and its ceremony as if it’s her first. she is planning on wearing a traditional white wedding dress, despite the fact that she has two grown children from the other marriages. she has signed up for a bridal registry and is planning on having a lavish post-wedding celebration.
Am I an old-school traditionalist, or is the meaning of the white wedding dress a thing of the past?
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona, rule that all brides, regardless of age or previous marital status, may wear white. “After the white dress fashion was started by Queen Victoria, the idea got around that it symbolized virginity,” they write. “But the vulgarity of reading the dress as truthful or not about the body inside was astounding.” Read the rest of their answer.
