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How Should I Tell My Partner I Found Out About The Surprise Wedding He's Planning For Us, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Should I Tell My Partner I Found Out About The Surprise Wedding He’s Planning For Us?
Google Alerts sent me an email about my own surprise wedding (yes, I have an alert for my name, for business purposes). And I was completely floored. My partner and I have talked about marriage as a distant possibility for years, but the expense, the churchiness, the eye-rolling banality of being capital-M married has always been a mutual deterrent. Or so I thought. Isn’t a house and two kids enough legal entanglement? How should I break it to my groom-not-to-be?
The Urban Diplomat expresses relief that the letter writer’s Google Alert saved them from a public confrontation. “You need to make it clear to your partner that it’s unacceptable for him to cast you as a bit player in your own life,” they write. “Then you need to figure out if you can forgive his colossal lapse in judgment.” Read the rest of their answer.
What Should I Do After Finding Out That My Best Friend Was My Employee’s Psychiatrist For Years And Knew We Worked Together?
I have been the direct supervisor of Bob since 2022, but I was also previously his supervisor in another position, I have worked with him in some capacity for almost 10 years. In many ways, he has been my closest friend at work: we work together on many projects and I often talk to him about things going on outside of work and in other relationships.
Recently, my best friend, Lori, a psychiatrist, decided to unload a list of grievances on me and in a heated moment said, “Bob told me that you weren’t supportive of me!” The thing is, as far as I knew, Lori and Bob had never met. I was shocked and asked how she knew him. Turns out she was his psychiatrist for years, including after he decided to come work with me in 2022. Apparently she encouraged him to find a new doctor at that time but he didn’t want to, so she kept him on. I feel that was a conflict of interest.
I feel so betrayed in this situation. There are so many instances where I have said something to either of them about the other, and neither of them ever told me. I feel like they were voyeurs in each other’s lives through me. Also, Lori telling me is a clear HIPAA violation, so now I’m stuck keeping her secret because as angry as I am (I’m considering ending the friendship), I don’t want to destroy her career.
I’m stuck working with Bob. He is realizing that I’m pulling back, but I haven’t said why. My plan is that if it comes up, I’ll say that I’ve “decided to have very strong boundaries at work,” but the whole thing feels horrible, weird, and isolating.
Should I tell my boss or HR? I’m worried that this will spill out somewhere in the future, not through me but maybe through Bob or Lori (neither has demonstrated great decision-making skills), and it will come back to haunt me. Any advice you can give is helpful. I feel stuck and alone in this secret.
Alison Green argues that Lori has betrayed the letter writer far more severely than Bob has. “Lori violated the very clear ethics of her profession, and the very clear boundaries of best-friendship,” she writes. “Bob doesn’t have nearly the same obligations toward you as his manager as Lori has toward you as her close friend and toward Bob as his therapist.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Parents To Stop Pressuring Me To Keep Planning And Cooking Thanksgiving While Letting Them Take Credit For It?
I have accidentally canceled Thanksgiving and I want people to stop texting and calling me about it. My parents “host” Thanksgiving but for the past few years, my mom has been too frail to take on the cooking or cleaning. And my dad has never been a guy who helps around the house. So my wife and I go over and plan, organize, cook, and clean. The illusion that she’s still in charge is very important to my mom. My parents invite my brothers and their families, and also some cousins.
My mom doesn’t vote, which is bad. But my dad, brothers, and their wives are all socially conservative. At holidays, they’re polite on the surface but quick to announce how “those people are ruining this country” after a few drinks. My wife and I are lesbians, so we’re under the category of “those people.” This year, I pleaded with my dad and brothers individually to consider my rights when they voted. Instead, my dad sent around a congratulatory family-wide text about the Trump win immediately after the election.
I’m not cutting off my family but I don’t need to spend the holiday with them this year and my wife deserves better. I leaned into the fiction that anyone besides us does the holiday work. Instead of telling them I thought they betrayed me in every way, I politely texted my family and told them, “We can’t make it this year but I hope you have fun!” No reasons, no argument, just a polite refusal. We booked a cheap trip to an off-season resort to make it harder to back down. Now, no one will leave me alone. I’m not picking up any calls or answering anyone but my mom keeps leaving me voicemails of her crying. They’ve somehow roped my cousins into texting me. How do I get this to stop?
Ashley C. Ford urges the letter writer to tell her family the truth. “You need to set a necessary boundary, do what you need to do to show up for yourself, and let them know what it takes to have access to you and your family,” she writes. “Other family members can help your mother prepare the Thanksgiving meal.” Read the rest of their answer.
How Can I Get My Family To Stop Haranguing Me About My Decision To Pay For My Neighbor’s College After Her Parents Kicked Her Out?
My neighbor, “Treena,” came out to me as a lesbian when she was 16 and asked me not to say anything to her parents, as they are very conservative Catholics. Last summer, the day after Treena graduated from high school, her parents found a card from Treena’s girlfriend and confronted their daughter about her orientation. When Treena told them she was a lesbian, they kicked her out and she ended up on my doorstep, sobbing, with a hastily packed suitcase in hand. To add insult to injury, her parents also refused to pay her tuition at the college she would be attending in the fall. …
Twenty-five years ago, I won a significant amount of money in my state’s lottery, and thanks to savvy investments I am set for life — several lifetimes, in fact. I am not married and don’t have kids of my own and have decided to pay Treena’s way through college. Treena left for school in August, and I am happy to say she is thriving away from her repressive parents.
A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with my sister, “Madison,” and told her about what happened to Treena. Madison was all sympathy — until I told her of my decision to pay for Treena’s education. Then she upbraided me for “paying out so much money for someone who isn’t family.” …
I was extremely generous with my entire family when I won the lottery money. I paid for my niece’s wedding and bought her and her husband a house. I fully funded Madison’s son’s college tuition and am currently paying for her daughter’s graduate program. I covered Madison’s legal bills when she divorced her ne’er-do-well husband, and bought her a new condo so she could have a fresh start. I am also paying for our parents to live in an expensive retirement community. …
When I pointed all this out to Madison — along with the fact that I have known Treena since she was 3 years old — my sister got huffy, so I left. She has been giving me the cold shoulder since then, and, worse, has told everyone that Treena is using me for money. …
I am furious over the rift Madison has caused in the family and am half-tempted to stop paying for my niece’s graduate program, but I don’t feel right punishing her for her mother’s deplorable behavior. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were, especially with the holidays just around the corner. I usually host a big gathering that we all look forward to, but since Madison upended everything, I know I’m going to be spending the entire time being hounded by half my relatives about this. The trouble is that it will cause even more friction in the family if I exclude those who think they have a right to tell me what to do with my money. What’s the solution here?
Nicole Chung advises the letter writer to skip the party and spend the holidays with people they want to spend time with instead of their family. “I don’t think the real issue is that they feel entitled to tell you what to do with your money; I think the issue is that they clearly feel entitled to the money itself,” she writes — “so much so that they can’t even bear to see some go to Treena, a young woman who has essentially lost her family due to no fault of her own.” Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Fair Of Me Not To Take My Husband’s Preferences Into Account When I Buy Decorations And Furniture For Our Home?
I've been with my husband for 10 years. For a long time, I didn't decorate our house because I didn't want to spend the money. But for the last few years, I've spent many hours poring over Pinterest. I LOVE interior decorating and know exactly how I want each room of the house to look.
The problem is my husband. I once tried to buy a new shower curtain. It was a huge debacle because he didn't like the one I'd chosen. Abby, I have done my homework. How do I convince my husband to give me free rein in decorating? I'm afraid every paint color and every piece of furniture is going to be an argument, and I'm so discouraged I don't even try.
We've had the same curtains, bedding and dining room table for years, and our house is very ugly. Should I just start making changes without consulting him? Should I sit him down and talk to him? Is it fair of me to not take his preferences into account?
Abigail Van Buren encourages the letter writer to compromise. “By all means, discuss this with your husband before making any changes,” she writes. “Under no circumstances should you make any without consulting him.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Stop Laughing Hysterically When My Identical Twin Toddlers Call Each Other Ugly?
I have identical twin 3-year-old boys, “Larry” and “Barry.” As toddlers go, they’re reasonably well-behaved, but they’ve gotten into that stage where they quarrel a lot, usually over petty things like toys, who gets to go on the slide first, whether the other one got a bigger piece of chocolate — stuff like that. My husband and I try to let them resolve as many of these arguments themselves as they can, only stepping in if it goes on forever or escalates to hitting. And for the most part that’s worked.
Lately, though, they’ve started calling each other ugly. I want to repeat that they’re identical twins, so this causes me to break down laughing whenever I hear it. That surprised them the first time, but now they’ve just started to roll with it in the moment, and ask me or someone else what’s so funny about it when they calm down. I really have tried to explain it to them that since they look alike, if either one calls the other ugly, it means they’re ugly too, but it’s undercut because I usually laugh when I do so. Also, they’ll insist they look nothing alike, but then usually point to differences in how they’re dressed that day or dirt smudges or something. How do I get more control of myself and break through to them here?
Dan Kois rules that laughter is an appropriate response to this situation. “Please continue laughing at this real-life manifestation of that Spider-Man meme,” he writes. “It’s fine. Eventually they will stop.” Read the rest of his answer.
