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How Can I Get My 83-Year-Old Grandmother, Who Deliberately Speeds Up To Scare Jaywalkers, To drive More Safely, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My 83-Year-Old Grandmother, Who Deliberately Speeds Up To Scare Jaywalkers, To drive More Safely?
My grandmother and I are very close. She is 83 years old and super independent. She loves to keep busy and is always running around town.
I'm writing to you because I need your advice on how to get through to her. I'm worried about her driving. She has always driven like a "cowboy." She speeds and is very impatient on the road.
If she sees someone jaywalking, she'll speed up to "scare them," as she puts it. It's very dangerous and very scary.
I've told her many times that she is driving dangerously, but her reply is that she's never gotten into an accident, so why would she now. Her agility and reflexes are declining as she's aging, and I am scared she will hurt someone or herself if she keeps on driving so carelessly. How can I get her to take this plea to drive safer seriously?
[Creators]
Annie Lane suggests informing the police about the grandmother's reckless driving. "You have every right to be concerned," she writes. "Keep talking to her about the dangers of her actions." Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Respond To A Wedding Invitation That Asked For A $250 Deposit As An RSVP?
I recently received a wedding invitation. At the bottom, in beautifully embossed type, there was something I'd never seen before: a request that guests e-transfer $250 in advance to confirm their attendance. Look, inflation is killing us all right now, and weddings are wildly expensive, so I sympathize. But since when is asking for money up front kosher? And am I still expected to give a gift? Seems pushy and altogether gauche. What's the move here?
The Urban Diplomat observes that outright requests for money from wedding guests are becoming more common. "If you want to thank the bride and groom for inviting you -- while saving both money and face -- send a $100 gift," they write. (One hundred Canadian dollars is about $73 in U.S. dollars, and 250 Canadian dollars is about $183 USD.) "Then everybody wins." Read the rest of their answer.
What Should I Say To My Friend After Learning That She Sabotaged One Of Her Colleagues Until The Colleague Quit?
I recently learned that a good friend of mine has behaved very unprofessionally to a colleague, and she doesn't seem to realize it. She shared a "professional victory": Her work-nemesis decided to quit. However, my friend's stories about this woman made me certain that it was actually my friend who caused the problems. My friend described staying late to complete tasks that had been assigned to the other woman and submitting them before the other woman had a chance; refusing to allow the other woman to contribute to shared assignments; scheduling important meetings at times the other woman was not available; setting timelines that she knew the other woman could not meet; and deliberately failing to correct mistakes made by the other woman, then pointing out these errors to their supervisor.
When I asked my friend why she had undermined this other woman, she replied that she wasn't undermining her. She said "It's not my fault that I'm competitive and she can't keep up with me." My friend stated that she just wanted to set herself apart, and made it clear that she intended to treat her nemesis' future replacement with the same contempt.
My friend is a smart, competent and very competitive woman. I share these qualities with her, and when we were younger women, our competitiveness caused a number of conflicts between us. However, as I've gotten older, I've come to understand that competitiveness is a tool to be wielded very carefully in the professional setting -- an advantage in a few contexts but a liability in many others. I find it concerning that my friend doesn't see any problem with how she acted toward this other woman. Do you have any advice for how to approach this conversation?
Anna Holmes advises the letter writer to end the friendship. "It's not just what she did to the former employee, but what she claims she will do to the next person," she writes. "It's sick that she even thinks that way." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Employee To Stop Complimenting My Body?
How can I best respond to an employee of mine who frequently makes inappropriate comments about my body and looks? I'm worried about inadvertently devolving into "you think I'm hot" territory or drawing even more attention to my body, which makes me very, very uncomfortable.
Some recent comments/actions include "You're bringing sexy back!" (said because I was wearing a completely office-appropriate wrap dress) and "You definitely look like you work out a lot" (said after I made an innocuous gym-related statement).
I'm completely at a loss about how to address this without making myself feel more uncomfortable than I already am, or making him feel defensive.
[Inc.]
Alison Green urges the letter writer to tell the employee that his comments are inappropriate and need to stop. "Please also pay attention to his interactions with other women," she writes. "If he's making comments like this, or worse, to other people, you want to know about it so you can shut that down." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Let Go Of My Extreme Disappointment That My Girlfriend And Her Kids Don't Like Camping?
My girlfriend, "Linda," and I have been dating for almost four years and have a fun, loving and supportive relationship. We're both widowed, me for five years, her for six. She has two kids, 9 and 12. I don't have any. We've talked about marriage, and I'm planning to make it official at Christmas.
My family loves camping, and we all meet at the same campsite every year for the week of July Fourth. Linda and the kids came with me for the two previous years. Although I knew they were camping newbies, I'd really hoped they'd warm up to it. This year Linda had to stay at home because of work obligations and was only able to take the Fourth itself off. Since it was so hot and miserable at home and beautiful in the mountains, I was sure they were sorry to miss the trip.
When I got home, everyone was talking about what a great day they had at Linda's parents' swimming in the pool, grilling steaks, etc. I asked Linda if she even liked camping. She didn't want to admit it, but after I insisted, she said she and the kids hate it but were willing to do it for me. I don't want them spending a week every year gritting it out and told her so. She seemed so relieved. The kids were clearly happy when I said they never had to go camping again if they didn't want to.
I didn't let them know, but I'm so disappointed in them all. I don't understand how you'd rather swim in a concrete box and stay in the heat and noise than spend time with nature. I'm now facing solo camping trips for the rest of my life. It was lonely this year seeing my siblings with their partners and kids and me in my tent all alone. It would be stupid to break up with a wonderful woman and leave behind two kids I've come to love over something that's at most eight days a year, but it's really bothering me.
How do I reach acceptance over this and let it go? It's been on my mind a lot.
Carolyn Hax's readers encourage the letter writer to dig into the logic behind their feelings. "Why is something so character-neutral as liking camping or not producing such a strong reaction?" one of them writes. "Do you genuinely believe it's more virtuous to enjoy camping than pool parties?" Read the rest of their answers.
How Should My Husband And I Respond To A Request For Photographs And An Annual Visit From The Previous Owners Of Our House?
My husband and I recently bought a lovely home in a nice neighborhood. The previous owners are an older couple who themselves moved into the house when they were our age and starting their family. But they don't seem to be able to let the house go.
A neighbor has dropped by several times, always with a camera, to take pictures of our home. She explained the previous owners, who had moved to a different state, had requested pictures so they could see what we had done with the house. We explained we were not comfortable with this, and she stopped.
Now we have received a letter from this couple. They would like us to continue to send pictures, and they are also planning to "stop by" when they come back to town this summer. They promise they will come by only for an hour or so, but they would like to make it an annual event.
Am I obligated to grant visitation rights to this couple? And if I am not (as I am hoping), what is the polite way to explain to this couple that the home is no longer theirs, and we cannot continue to provide them updates?
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin rule that the former owners should have respected the letter writer's privacy. "There is no rudeness in merely saying, without excuses, that you are, unfortunately, unwilling to accommodate their requests," they write. Read the rest of their answer.
