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Should I Publicly Shame My Neighbor On Facebook For Wearing Revealing Clothing When She Goes Jogging, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Publicly Shame My Neighbor On Facebook For Wearing Revealing Clothing When She Goes Jogging?
There is a well-endowed young lady in the neighborhood who dresses like a stripper when she goes jogging. There are plenty of children in the neighborhood, including mine, who can see details of her body they haven’t learned about in health class yet.
I don’t know the lady’s name, but I finally waved her down when she was running by and told her there were kids watching and could she please cover up? She called me a Karen and cursed me out! Sorry if expecting people to dress decently in public makes me a Karen.
I’ve had it. I tried doing things the nice way but I have half a mind to take video of her and shame her on the neighborhood Facebook page. Maybe if she’s publicly shamed, she’ll dress more appropriately or take her peep show elsewhere. However, I know there are people who might see this as internet bullying. Is there a better way to get her to cover up?
[Slate]
Ashley C. Ford observes that the letter writer is displaying bullying tendencies. “Don’t worry about finding a better way to get her to cover up,” she writes. “Spend some time asking yourself why her dress bothers you so much, and should your children bring it up, what you plan to say to them.” Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After Learning That My Son Might Take His Girlfriend’s Last Name If They Marry?
Our first meeting with our son Jack’s girlfriend, Mallory, was an absolute nightmare I still can’t wake from. We are country folks who live on the farm that has been in our family for generations. Jack was always at ease here. When Mallory arrived that evening, it was immediately clear that she was completely out of place. Her voice carried that clipped, confident tone of someone used to giving directions, and though she smiled and said all the right things, I felt a distance between us, a gap that I was sure would never be crossed.
We ate the venison my husband had hunted, something Jack has always loved, but Mallory barely touched her plate. She spoke of her life in the city — her work, her travels — painting pictures of a world I couldn’t quite grasp. Jack sat there, listening so intently, like every word from her lips was something precious. …
After Jack and Mallory left that night, our daughter Meaghan told me, in that hesitant way she has when she knows bad news is coming, that Mallory and Jack had discussed marriage. And worse still, Jack’s been considering taking her last name. I remember just standing there, staring out the window at the trees swaying gently in the wind, wondering how we’d come to this. …
In our family, men don’t take their wives’ names. It’s not a matter of opinion; it’s just how it is. We hold onto what connects us to the past, to the people who came before us. It’s a quiet kind of pride, the sort that doesn’t need explaining because it’s always been understood. Jack used to understand it, too. And yet here he is, swept up in Mallory’s world, thinking of leaving all that behind like it’s nothing — and for what? Anonymity in a cold, dirty, soulless city? I can’t wrap my mind around it, and I have no idea how to reach him. …
I want to tell him how deeply this is cutting me, how much he’s losing without even realizing it. But I’m afraid if I say too much, I’ll drive him even further from me. What do I do when the son I raised is disappearing into a life I don’t condone or even understand?
Heather Havrilesky voices suspicions that the letter writer is a generative AI. “If you’re not a robot, you’re exactly like a robot, because you’ve taken all of this cultural programming and this life that doesn’t even fully belong to you, and you’ve started to wield it like a blunt weapon against the real human beings around you,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Would It Be Wrong To Object To My Company’s Practice Of Shaming People For How Many Times They Say ‘Um’ During A Presentation?
Every month, my work has a “pep rally” where the whole staff gets together to highlight what’s going on in each department. My boss, the executive director, has recently decided she wants to cure everyone of using the words “um,” “uh,” and “like” when they are talking. Her idea is that each pep rally, two people will present some sort of five-minute speech on their department and we will all watch and count how many times the person says “um,” “uh,” or “like.”
It’s horrible. It makes you overthink everything because you’re so conscious that all your peers are staring at you, waiting for your next “um.” A bunch of us call it “The Shaming.” It doesn’t seem to help and it makes people feel bad afterward. When you’re done, our boss announces how many times you said “um” and lets you know what else you could work on.
I just don’t think this is right. I get what my boss is trying to do, but I feel like there’s a better way to go about it. Would I be out of line if I said something to her about how I felt?
Alison Green suggests pushing back as a group, instead of individually. “The public shamings are BS, even for the people who genuinely do need to be extremely polished when speaking,” she writes. “In general, people do better when they get critical feedback in private, not when they’re forced to stand in front of their peers while they’re critiqued.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Talk My Daughter Out Of Preferring Her Mom To Me After I Cheated And Then Moved Away From My Kids?
I had a marriage with my first wife that was cold, sexually unfulfilling, and controlling for years. I discreetly found a woman outside our marriage who was interested in ways my ex wasn’t. When my ex found out, she told our kids and created a messy divorce. My girlfriend got unexpectedly pregnant, and I had to move out of state for her and adjust custody. I saw my kids for holidays and vacations but my ex badmouthed me to them all the time and encouraged them to be bratty and badly behaved when they visited. They never were kind to my girlfriend and never gave her any flexibility about adjusting to becoming a stepmom. I always believed it would get better when they became adults, recognized my ex’s toxic behavior, and understood that adults have sexual needs. This fall, my younger daughter had my first grandchild. I planned to visit at Christmas, but she has announced she’s inviting her mom and sister, that I have to pick a different day, and that my son and girlfriend are not welcome. This is my first grandchild and I haven’t even met him yet. How do I talk her out of this?
[Slate]
Jamilah Lemieux advises the letter writer to accommodate his daughter’s request and bring a good gift. “Sir, you should be grateful that your daughter talks to you at all,” she writes. “You take virtually no responsibility for the demise of your marriage, blaming your ex for making it messy, boasting about your discretion and wanting your children to understand your sexual needs.” Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Help Mend My Sister’s Marriage After I Told Her Husband That She Doesn’t Want To Get Pregnant?
I’m feeling uneasy after a recent family dinner celebrating my brother-in-law’s birthday. During the gathering, I mentioned that my older sister, his wife, told me she was purposely avoiding losing weight because she doesn’t want to get pregnant. I didn’t mean to bring it up, but it’s clear my brother-in-law really wants to have a child now, and he seemed frustrated when I said that.
My other sister had a similar experience: She was overweight for years and was married for a decade without kids. After she lost weight, she got pregnant, and now her little one is turning 3. I thought I was sharing something insightful, but now I’m worried I might have caused tension in my older sister’s marriage. How can I help mend things between them and be more supportive moving forward?
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole encourages the letter writer to apologize to their sister. “Think before you speak,” she writes. “Being empathetic with your brother-in-law is fine. Sharing family secrets with him should be off-limits.” Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After My Husband Let In A Neighbor Who Had Locked Herself Outside In Her Pajamas, Instead Of Making Her Sit Outside?
My husband of 10 years, who is retired, calls me at work one morning and tells me he had just gotten out of the shower when our female next-door neighbor rang the doorbell in her nightclothes, stating that she got locked out when she took out the trash. My husband then says he invited her in to use the phone and stay until someone came to let her in (about 30 to 45 minutes).
I ask him, “Why would you invite a half-dressed woman into our home when I am not present?” He could have helped her by offering his cellphone and a robe while she sat on her porch.
I ask him to present this situation to his male friends. He responds, “Yeah, they will say, ‘You are stupid for even sharing that with your wife.’”
I was very disappointed with how he handled this situation. He says he would do it again exactly the same way, even if it upsets me, and says I am insecure. Any suggestions?
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer to address their insecurity. “Have you ever been caught in public in your skivvies?” she writes. “Offering shelter is the compassionate thing to do.” Read the rest of her answer.
