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"Everyone thinks my dog is a puppy"
April 24, 2018 4:47 PM   Subscribe

Writer Kelly Conaboy (previously) home-tested her dog's DNA so she could settle arguments at the dog park. posted by Johnny Wallflower (59 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
I literally can't imagine a question a stranger might ask my dog that would offend me. But if I had a list, "Are you a puppy?!?" would definitely not be on it.

And yeah, he 100% knows he's cute.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 5:01 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


The offense is when she says "he's about 4 years old!" and the mansplainer says "no, I don't think so" like he somehow knows better than she does how old her own dog is.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:08 PM on April 24 [105 favorites]


I unabashedly squee "PUPPY!!!" upon seeing ANY dog...
posted by mikelieman at 5:13 PM on April 24 [24 favorites]


I am an amateur dog genealogy expert, and I can state with 100% confidence that Peter is a wee American street mutter. What a sweet face.

I have a purebred NGA greyhound and I am endlessly amused by people who guess wrong. "Is that a doberman pinscher?" is my favorite. But if I said "No, it's a greyhound" and they said "I'm pretty sure it's a doberman" I'd be mega-annoyed.
posted by muddgirl at 5:18 PM on April 24 [10 favorites]


What kind of dog is that?...You should do that Dog DNA test!
posted by stevil at 5:21 PM on April 24 [6 favorites]


If you don’t let your dog eat bees, you will never have a bee dog.

That’s just common sense.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:29 PM on April 24 [6 favorites]


Wait, she has a dog that looks like a puppy forever? CLONE THAT SHIT omg call it something gross like Forever Puppy™ and make a trillion dollars
posted by drinkyclown at 5:44 PM on April 24 [24 favorites]


Forever puppy aka Yorkshire Terrier
posted by forforf at 5:52 PM on April 24 [4 favorites]


My shepherd mix looks exactly like a baby german shepherd, but is in fact an Aussie-something mix with a colored tongue and a sweet (but protective) disposition. Until she was about 3, I was continually asked how old my german shepherd pup was.
posted by drossdragon at 6:01 PM on April 24


I would like to see more photos of Peter. Why are there not more photos, Kelly Conaboy? Why?
posted by mumkin at 6:09 PM on April 24 [26 favorites]


The main reason I wanted to DNA test my dog was to shove the results in this rude man’s goddamn rude face, wherever he is. Probably hell! lol
posted by Glinn at 6:10 PM on April 24 [6 favorites]


There was a half-grown chow puppy in the vet's waiting room today while I was in picking up the yearly tick pills and I squee-d and said, oh my gosh look it's a BABY BEAR! and turned to the vet tech and said I DID NOT KNOW YOU DID BABY BEARS HERE and she replied, oh of course we do WHEN THEY'RE SO CUTE like this baby bear, and the owner was all giggly and blushing (which was frankly adorable on a young man) and so here we all were, a group of purportedly adult people totally losing our shit on a really fluffy dog, so I dunno man, dogs are just the best and if you don't agree I will have to fight you, sorry.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 6:11 PM on April 24 [117 favorites]


This FPP link is worthy simply for the GIF contained therein.
posted by mcstayinskool at 6:13 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


That was hilarious, thanks.
posted by medusa at 6:33 PM on April 24


Either you people start posting pics of your dogs or I'm going to flag every comment.
posted by AFABulous at 6:56 PM on April 24 [39 favorites]


He lived for about three years before I knew him. It really kills me that I was not able to protect him during that time, and that I’ll never really know what his life was like.

*sniff*

However, I plan to teach him how to talk and I will update you once he tells me.

Heh.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:56 PM on April 24 [14 favorites]


Related: Who's an OKGOod boy?
that band that does the elaborate one-take videos ups the ante by adding a bunch of well-trained dogs to the show
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:07 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]


This was fun, Peter is adorable and deserves all the snuggles because he's a good boy, and maybe people (men) shouldn't try to explain dogs to their owners.

(I really want to be mad about that but ... Look at Peter! I also love dogs with normal American names -- like I am on record of loving all dogs named Hank -- so I love Peter just on that basis alone. And I want more photos of this good dog.)
posted by darksong at 7:23 PM on April 24 [5 favorites]


But if I said "No, it's a greyhound" and they said "I'm pretty sure it's a doberman" I'd be mega-annoyed.

I'd just hand them a bag of warm dog shit and tell them to run the DNA.
posted by srboisvert at 8:01 PM on April 24 [8 favorites]


> Either you people start posting pics of your dogs or I'm going to flag every comment.

Well! Here's a 3 month-old lab who doesn't know there's a leaf on his nose.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 8:34 PM on April 24 [19 favorites]


More pics of Peter on her Twitter feed. For example: 1, 2, 3
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:57 PM on April 24 [5 favorites]


Oh my gosh who’s tryna eat a bug?
posted by infinitewindow at 9:13 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]


We decided to invest our entertainment budget last month in learning our dog Raisin's pedigree. The rescue said he was a Shar-Pei mix. I was convinced he was half Great Dane. The consensus at the dog park (or, as the article points out, mostly among the Men of the Dog Park) was Lab mix. Anyhow, that dog DNA test was the worst $70 we've ever spent.
posted by latkes at 9:49 PM on April 24 [23 favorites]


Wow. I was SO expecting this to go all Maury. Proving her beloved dog is not the father of some puppies.
posted by Samizdata at 9:49 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


Anyhow, that dog DNA test was the worst $70 we've ever spent.

"We are happy to inform you that your dog is a dog."

Well, that clinches it. It's dogs all the way down.
posted by loquacious at 10:55 PM on April 24 [19 favorites]


People often think my dog is a puppy, even though he’s 5 years old. I think it’s the big eyes and fluffy ears. Also, he runs like a puppy. Rather, he galumphs.

I’ve been tempted to do a DNA test, but I think it’d probably be fruitless because he was born in a Mexican village to a stray and probably has a little bit of every breed.

The main reason I wanted to DNA test my dog was to shove the results in this rude man’s goddamn rude face, wherever he is. Probably hell!

Reader, I LOLed.
posted by lunasol at 11:11 PM on April 24 [9 favorites]


How does Embark estimate age?
We estimate genetic age and can try to help you with calendar age

Genetic age: First, we use your dog's reported calendar age and sex as a starting point. Our proprietary algorithm factors in breed breakdown (large dogs mature differently than smaller ones), genotype at size genes (more than 15 of them), and inbreeding coefficient. All of these have an effect on lifespan. The number we provide is where a dog is in his or her life relative to an average human living in the U.S.

Calendar or biological age: While some human DNA tests can estimate biological age, no commercial dog DNA test currently offers this sort of testing. However, we will do our best to help you estimate calendar age. Please work through the questions found in the following blogpost as a starting point, and then reach out to us: https://embarkvet.com/blog/dog-age/.
posted by pracowity at 11:40 PM on April 24


"But mostly I'm all labrador retriever."
posted by bryon at 11:59 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]


Dog pics you say? Our Norwegian Puffin Dog (Norsk Lundehund) doing a mlep on my lap last summer while she was still a tiny puppy. Here she is sharing a moment with our cat the other day.
posted by Harald74 at 1:18 AM on April 25 [13 favorites]


I have a purebred NGA greyhound and I am endlessly amused by people who guess wrong. "Is that a doberman pinscher?"

Our saluki used to get a lot of that, too.
posted by mikelieman at 1:18 AM on April 25 [2 favorites]


Dog pics you say? Our Norwegian Puffin Dog (Norsk Lundehund) doing a mlep on my lap last summer while she was still a tiny puppy. Here she is sharing a moment with our cat the other day.

Your dog has the body proportions of a much larger dog. It just looks so weird next to the cat (or you have a cat the size of an alsatian).
posted by Vesihiisi at 2:02 AM on April 25 [12 favorites]


One time I was walking my dogs, and a little girl asked me if the one wearing a pink harness (far right in this picture) was a princess. I affirmed that she was indeed, because who am I to deny any royal heritage she might have?
posted by Fig at 3:24 AM on April 25 [9 favorites]


The main reason I wanted to DNA test my dog was to shove the results in this rude man’s goddamn rude face, wherever he is. Probably hell!

Sticking it to random assholes who I will probably never see again is my main reason to do most things, too.
posted by odd ghost at 4:00 AM on April 25 [12 favorites]


call it something gross like Forever Puppy™ and make a trillion dollars

Literally the plot of Boss Baby. I am not happy to know this.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:47 AM on April 25 [3 favorites]


Doh, I expected "home-tested" to mean that the actual DNA analysis was done at home, not mailed off. That would be a neat trick but probably not practical in this age (to date myself, I used to run my own DNA sequencing gels and haven't worked in a lab in many years). Cute dog though.
posted by exogenous at 5:32 AM on April 25 [1 favorite]


I also have a Brooklyn rescue dog named Peter! I know his breed mix but I suspect that a DNA test would just report "lots of hair and teeth."
posted by moonmilk at 6:36 AM on April 25 [6 favorites]


This leggy beast is half coonhound, quarter lab, and quarter "sporting mix" according to her DNA test. However, I contend that she is 100% flopasaurus rex.

If we take her back home to Tennessee, everyone is all, "Nice looking coonhound!" In St. Louis, folks would say, "That's an awful skinny Rotty, but she's cute." And here in KC, It's all, "Aww, how cool you didn't dock her ears. Dobermans are so pretty with natural ears."
posted by teleri025 at 6:49 AM on April 25 [9 favorites]


My little pupper is très unique, which is both blessing and curse, since I get asked "what IS she?" approximately one hundred thousand times a day.

I know the exact day she was born, since she was born at the shelter after her pregnant mother was brought up from Southern California; so she is definately a Forever Puppy. I've often thought that cloning her could be lucrative, because she is just so damn perfect.

For the record, she's two years old, will never get any bigger and yes, her legs are very long (thanks for noticing). She's never had a genetic test (because who can afford that), but her mother looked like a Puggle (Pug and Beagle mix) and her legs simply have to come from an Italian Greyhound or Whippet.

Whatever her genetic makeup, she's all love.
posted by Laura Palmer's Cold Dead Kiss at 7:49 AM on April 25 [12 favorites]


A sample of comments made about my Boston Terrier as an adult:
"Look, it's a bulldog chihuahua!"
"Are there any more of those puppies?"
"Is that a pit bull or a boxer?"
"That's a bad-ass boxer. He's going to grow up big and tough."
From a vet on the first visit: "Look at that cute little boxer."
"How do you get your cat to walk on a leash?" (reply that it's a dog) "Because I can't get my cat to walk on a leash."
posted by BibiRose at 8:26 AM on April 25 [4 favorites]


Either you people start posting pics of your dogs or I'm going to flag every comment.

Ok, ok, geez. Keep this up and he'll blep in your lap.

We're pretty sure he's 100% staffy. But we've never bothered to find out; he's a rescue from a breed ban province. He's the only dog we've ever had who will completely burrow himself into our bed - 100% under the covers. He has us well trained to let him into bed at about 4 in the morning; we don't even wake up anymore.
posted by nubs at 8:27 AM on April 25 [12 favorites]


I bet that mean guy at the park was secretly the CEO of the doggy DNA testing company, and his evil plan has finally come to fruition!
posted by Grither at 8:49 AM on April 25 [2 favorites]


Not a shiba inu (or "one of those Japanese dogs"), or a husky, or a corgi.

100% American, Tohono O’odham Nation dog!
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:48 AM on April 25 [10 favorites]


Who's a good boy?
posted by theora55 at 10:26 AM on April 25 [9 favorites]


This is Arlo. His full name is Arlo P. Oddbody, esq.

He is probably some kind of pit mix, with disproportionately short legs, but mostly he is a slightly worried gentleman who enjoys leaning on people while napping.
posted by darchildre at 12:38 PM on April 25 [3 favorites]


Your dog has the body proportions of a much larger dog. It just looks so weird next to the cat (or you have a cat the size of an alsatian).
The Lundehund breed is a small Spitz. Our house cat is quite large, yes, approximately the size of the dog. I tried to get them to pose together, but no dice. Here's the dog out in the snow, though, at 8 months old, I guess. Lundehund is the best breed and the family love her to bits.
posted by Harald74 at 12:44 PM on April 25 [6 favorites]


I'd advise against reading the comments on the article but it looks like 90% are moderated away anyway.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 1:59 PM on April 25


We have a mutt that likes to fake faint when he is confused or he does not want to do what he is told. Like the fainting goats, but he goes floppy instead of rigid. At first we thought it was a medical issue but we figured out he is faking it.

Any guesses as to the breed mix?

He is already an adult, but he has what the vet calls infantile penis, and somehow this makes people who look at his undercarriage feel the irresistible urge to tell me that he is still a puppy.

He is also not very smart, but is very kind and sweet. The kind to lay down and let a bunch of 4 year olds decorate him with markers and paint.
posted by Index Librorum Prohibitorum at 2:12 PM on April 25 [6 favorites]


An excuse to show off my baby Bella! She likes to play possum. She's a weird color: black on top, with rusty brindley brown underneath. We didn't know a dog could be this calm.
posted by Jesse the K at 3:13 PM on April 25 [6 favorites]


This is Zelda on the day we met her. She got more photogenic. We're not sure exactly how old she is, but she's definitely a senior dog. I still call her my puppy though.
posted by Ruki at 6:03 PM on April 25 [4 favorites]


The kind to lay down and let a bunch of 4 year olds decorate him with markers and paint.

Um, the dog did it…
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:16 PM on April 25 [2 favorites]


Lundehund is the best breed and the family love her to bits.

I don't even like most dogs that much, but I do want to meet a lundehund now!

Anyway, here are some chihuahuas I recently sat for. They demanded body contact all. the. time. They were just the sweetest as long as you attended to their needs :) Silly little things.
posted by Vesihiisi at 11:11 PM on April 25 [2 favorites]


Hit me up if you're in my area, and I'll hook you up. :) Anyway, some people claim the breed is half cat. It certainly seems that way sometimes. And my brother-in-law's reaction upon seeing the puppy on Skype was "why have you bought a fox?"
posted by Harald74 at 1:27 AM on April 26 [1 favorite]


People say Norwegian forest cats are part dog, so it all evens out in the end!
posted by Vesihiisi at 2:54 AM on April 26


Wait, she has a dog that looks like a puppy forever?

People often think our Cavalier King Charles Spaniels are puppies, even though they're thirteen years old, which means that, given Cav life expectancies, they've already been dead for 2-4 years but remain animated due to their relentless cheerfulness and perpetual-motion wagging tails.
posted by Orlop at 8:24 AM on April 26 [6 favorites]


I was going to figure out how to post some pictures, and discovered that my ten-year-old has an Instagram with dog pictures and videos. He has been training dogs since he was four, and started his own dog walking and training business last summer. He is something of an informal apprentice to the professional dog trainers who live next door.
posted by Orlop at 8:29 AM on April 26 [5 favorites]


I think a lot of chihuahua mixes look like eternal puppies, although it's hard to provide picture evidence because they all look like puppies and it's hard to tell the age!
posted by muddgirl at 8:46 AM on April 26 [2 favorites]


Lilly at 4 years old still gets mistaken for a pup a lot. She's a bit undersized for a lab/pointer* mix, but it mostly happens because she still has wild puppy energy when strangers show her attention

*We did a DNA test at her last vet visit. The results were 5/8 Lab, 1/4 Cocker Spaniel, 1/8 Doberman.
posted by cnelson at 1:46 PM on April 26 [4 favorites]


People say Norwegian forest cats are part dog, so it all evens out in the end!

We have one of those and yes absolutely they are part-dog.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:04 PM on April 26 [1 favorite]


The number one question I get about my dog is "how old is she?" She'll be two years old in a month, but is only 3.5 pounds, so she's perpetually tiny and puppy-looking.

The other questions I get all the time are "how much does she weigh?" (see above) and "what does she eat?" (answer: just about anything, but not a lot of it).
posted by Fuego at 8:32 AM on April 28 [3 favorites]


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